A Watched Pot Never Boils

I’m waiting for a phone call. Any phone call. I’ve never felt so unsettled about anything in my life! I received news yesterday that a cousin of mine has passed away, but nobody can get in touch with anybody to find out what happened! She and her husband and little fella who is a month older than my babe, live in Tennessee. I don’t know her husband’s family, but my Aunt and her family live in MT and their phone has been disconnected. All the information we have is what was left on an answering machine, with no return phone number.

It is unbelievable the turmoil that swims around in one’s mind when there’s missing information like this. My mind reaches to the farthest corner of every possible scenario. And I’m feeling the agony of a parent losing a child, a husband losing his wife, and a little bitty losing his mommy. I am grateful that the family is of believers and I find rest knowing she’s sitting at the right hand, in the Kingdom of heaven. But down here, I am struggling with the seeming unfairness of a girl taken far too soon. She just turned 25 in September.

If you are a praying folk, would you please keep my family in your prayers?

I am a United States Veteran

I joined the Navy in ‘94 when I was 20. It wasn’t because I had any despeate desire to defend our country. I didn’t really understand what it all meant, really. I was pretty naive. Innocent. I was going to a community college and was at the point of transferring to a university when I froze up and dropped out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was transferred; when I grew up. I always had a curiosity about the military. My Dad was in the Navy. I thought if I wasn’t going to school, that I should do SOMETHING productive. So I joined.

Boot camp taught me a great deal about teamwork and integrity. The physical toil was not a abig deal. I had grand visions of obstacle courses but was disappointed that most of what we did was run and do push ups. I did a lot of push-ups.

I remember a time when one of my peer soon-to-be-sailors was getting cycled (exercised to near death) for disciplinary action. Its difficult to watch someone being called out like that. So I joined her while she cycled. And so did the rest of the company. We all sweated and cried until we couldn’t take it any more. The burden carried alone is overwhelming, but carried by many is lighter. (Gal 6:2 Carry each others burdens…)

I recall the Company Commander (CC) smiling at us as we all hit the floor together. Teamwork. Nobody should ever have to carry their burdens alone, no matter what it is.

I mentioned having to do push-ups a lot. I didn’t have a lot of self-control around certain things. Not because I was purposely disobedient but sometimes things are done purely out of habit without even thinking about it. I’m sure we’ve all griped about slow traffic around a tiny fender bender because everyone HAS to rubberneck and see what its all about. Yet its exactly what we do! Our curiosity gets the best of us and like a force outside our control, cranes our neck to see what has caused the hold up. It really doesn’t do anybody any good and we gain nothing by having witnessed the oops. Sometimes others run into others while they’re trying to look at the other fender bender. All of our choices effect others whether we believe them to or not. (1 Cor 12:26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it.)

We were standing in ranks one day and someone behind me was out of alignment for something and was dropped to push ups. By complete instinct and habit, I turned my head. I looked back. I was caught. I was dropped to push ups. That time, more push ups than ever. (Luke 6:40 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?)

I think about how much trouble we bring to ourselves and others when we look at the failings of others. We all fall short. We all feel the consequences of our choices. We don’t need people looking at or down upon us. It only adds more weight to the burden. We may as well join them in their disobedience because we’re just as guilty.

I served in the Navy onboard a ship (destroyer tender, repair ship) during peace time and was never anywhere near combat, but even so, the teamwork and integrity learned in boot camp – basic training – was integral to operating successfully for a common purpose. Things can go wrong, even when all is well, if we do not work together. (Rom 12:4-5 Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.)

We were out to sea one time and I was on watch on the bridge in the middle of the night. There are probably 10-15 individuals on the bridge at all times, depending what is happening, to ensure every detail is covered in the guiding and direction of the ship. Suddenly there was an urgency that demanded everyone’s immediate and full attention. (1 Tim 4:16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.) Since it was the middle of the night, everyone was tired and could easily doze because things are generally pretty quiet at night. Unless you come upon a submarine in your direct path that does not have its radar on in order for others to detect it until they’re about to run it over. One must always be alert and work together in order to deflect possible danger. We missed the sub, fortunately, but if one person was out of alignment or more focused on their own discomfort, how tragic it could have turned out. We are ALWAYS a team; in all circumstances. The health and welfare of everyone else as a whole must be our first and foremost duty. Selflessness. Teamwork. Community.

I often wish that everyone in this country was required to serve at least two years. There are other countries that do this. How much more functional would our country be if we all learned how to serve one another above all else? Instead, we have a few who CHOOSE the life freely. Regardless of the circumstance, the choice was still made. Sacrifices were still made.

There is a brotherhood among service men and women that is stronger and more powerful than any other connection I’ve felt among peers. There are days I don’t feel worthy to be part of this brotherhood because some have sacrificed more than I could ever imagine. I served in peace. It was easy, relatively speaking. I’m honored to be among them, though. Humbled. Grateful that the peace I served under and the freedom I feel and know and experience is because of those who sacrificed sometimes everything.

Thank you, to my brothers and sisters who have served before me, with me, and after me, and all those to come. I am eternally indebted.

Is Today Monday?

My days all run together. I’m still in my jammies. So is my daughter. :o) I’m officially, I think…a bum. But, I’m a productive bum. I’ve been working on my mission trip to Ehiopia stuff; letters and fundraising stuff and such. It excites me to be doing something, first of all. Something that involves a little paper pushing and organizing. It’s what I do when I have a job job – Executive Assistant. Its nice to engage my brain a little bit. It’s not difficult by any stretch, but it uses a part of my brain that has been shut down and taken over by toddler speak and toys for almost a year. Some days I feel like I’m REALLY ready to go back to work. Other days, I’m happy to stay home with her. She’s so much fun. :o)

Fall is upon us and my house is FREEZING already. I dread my electric bill. I have pergo floors and they are so cold. I’ve got some rugs over them, but unless they are insulated with padding underneath, it helps little. I’ll be going to the fabric store a little later to get some material for insulated window coverings. I’m hoping it will help. I tried to insulate from the outside of my windows last year and it really didn’t help. I’d also like to get some carpet with insulated padding underneath. I used to dislike carpet. But now, I’m rethinking it. Pergo is nice and easy to take care of with toddler spills and such. But seriously…I’d rather have a warm spotty carpet than a freezing clean floor.

I love it when people contact me out of the blue for photo shoots. :o) Because I do not actively market myself outside of my blog and Facebook. I have to say that this area of my life is blessed beyond measure. Just finished up a shoot for the family that watches my daughter when I am working. Love this family. If you wanna see some of their pics, go here. I’m contemplating some kind of photography fund raising event for my trip, but its not coming to me, yet, if I should or what that would be. Ideas?

Love’ism: Quick suprise lunch visit with a hand full of chocolate. :o)

Uh…I know I have a lot to say today, but its just not coming to me…So…I’ll post this and post later. Then it will look like I’m posting more. heehee Wow…its getting windy in here! Whoosh!

Dear Friends and Family

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope this letter finds you and your family well. I am writing to share with you an amazing opportunity that has been placed before me.

Many years ago a seed was planted in my heart for international missions with an image of little brown faces. For so many years I could not see how I would be able to participate in such a calling. Today, I have the opportunity to go, and see, and serve the little brown faces.

I’ve been chosen to serve on a short-term mission team to Ethiopia where we will be working with All God’s Children International, an international adoption and orphan care ministry.

When: February 5-14, 2010

Where: Hannah’s Hope Orphanage, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

Purpose: The first and foremost reason for going is to share the good news of Jesus Christ with the people of Ethiopia. We’ll be visiting Hannah’s Hope Orphanage where we will assist with the painting and preparations of their new orphanage as well as loving on the children who live there.

Cost: $2500 – 2800 per team member (Exact cost of airfare has not yet been determined, which explains the $300 variance). This covers accommodations, food, materials, and transportation. Each team member is responsible for raising 100% of their financial and prayer support. I need to turn in half my portion by Nov 25, 2009, and the remainder by Dec 28, 2009.

Prayer:
1. For God to open the hearts of the people.
2. For our team to work in unity and be God-centered.
3. That I will be open to whatever God wants to teach me.

I am so excited about this mission! Will you please prayerfully consider how the Lord would have you share in this opportunity with me, whether by prayer and/or financial sponsorship? Financial support is essential to my going, but of equal or greater importance is your commitment to pray!

I have begun a blog at (www.missionarymama.wordpress.com) that will be updated periodically before, during and after my trip to keep everyone informed. I am excited to share with each of you the strength and power each of your prayers and contributions have in reaching the least of these. (Matthew 25:40)

I’ve inserted a prayer card for you to attach to your refrigerator or other convenient location to help remind you to keep me, my team, and the people and children we will be serving in prayer.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

In His Service,

Nikki
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven. (Matthew 5:16)

—————————————————————————————————-
Short Term Mission Trip Support Coupon

YES! I want to be a part of Nikki Rose’s support team!
____I will pray regularly for her.
____I want to contribute $________ towards her trip expenses.

Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss ________________________________
Address__________________________________________
City_________________________ State_______Zip_______
Email_____________________________________________

Please make checks payable to: All God’s Children, 3308 NE Peerless Pl, Portland, OR 97232
(All gifts may be tax deductible. Please contact your tax accountant or go to www.irs.gov.publication.526)

Tuesday Tidbits

I had an interview yesterday. REALLY really struggle with interviews. I don’t like being put on the spot, even if done so purposefully. But…a necessary evil it is. I have no idea how it went. I think it went well at first and then I fell flat on my face, or so I feel like… But…perhaps they didn’t see me fall. hehe One can hope, anyway. Ah well…if I’m meant to have the job, I’ll get it regardless. If not…well…it just wasn’t meant to be. And that is okay.

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Sunday was a very emotionally draining day for me. The heart wrenching kind…when you think things are done and you begin to prepare yourself for the inevitable. But what I thought was inevitable, was not so. My mind can conjur up all kinds of scenarios, but what I’m realizing is that there is absolutely nothing in the relational realm that is absolute. Everything can change. Anything can change. There’s always hope and a silver lining when two people are actually choosing to work and walk together. If one person is working and the other is not, well that can be absolute…but it turns out that it isn’t for my particular scenario. This does make me happy. It doesn’t make things any easier because there’s still a giant question mark looming out there. Uncertainty is the word of the day, the month, the season… I think sometimes hanging on through uncertainty can be very healing and cause a lot of growth. I know it will for sure for me. I’m a runner. And hanging on is not easy. But…I’ve tossed my running shoes into the round file and I refuse to give in when things get difficult.

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I’m having crazy nostalgia and reconnecting with old friends from the Navy. And my scanner is not working, so I can’t upload photos. That frustrates me. I reckon I’ll get them posted soon enough. :o) Gosh, I don’t miss film days…so loving the digital revolution! :o) No need for scanners.

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It is Tuesday and an absolutely lazy Tuesday it is. I’m still in my jammies and its 3pm. Sometimes I’d be ashamed to admit that, but today…I really am happy to be in my jammies at 3pm. After feeling sufficiently beat up from yesterday’s interview, I think just in case I DO get the job, that another day or two of jammy wearing all day is in order because it might not happen again for a very long time.

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Was notified this morning of the team I will be travelling with to Ethiopia in February. :o) I’m excited. A little bit scared. I’ll be posting more here as soon as I receive more information. But for now, my registration is in and the ball is rolling. I’ll start my fund raising efforts very soon. Like next week. Stay tuned! :o)

I’m Holding On

Not sure how relevant the actual video footage is to what is going on inside my heart, but from it I see how broken we all are. That what I’m feeling is not my own. I’m not an island. Brokenness hurts no matter who it is.

I think I’ve posted this song before, and I’m not sure in what context it was then (maybe I’ll go look for it!) but this time, its interesting. God has used songs in my life before to tell me something. I believe He’s trying to tell me something again because EVERY SINGLE TIME I turn on the radio right now it is playing. And when it comes on throughout the day it seems louder than usual. So I actually listened to the lyrics today.

Broken – by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
(I’m still holdin on) (I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven’t forgotten my way home

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’)(I’m holdin’ on)(I’m still holdin’) (I’m holdin’ on) (I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you (I’m still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

The things that stand out the most to me are:

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

I, in my limited understanding, have doubts.

The Lord gives, and He takes away. He cannot give us freedom, until He takes something else away. The bondage, the hurts, the pains, the lies that keep us tied to bad choices and thinking and reactions. We’re better without them. But its a painful process to be rid of them. I embrace the opportunity to rid myself of these kind of burdens, but its painful…kinda like the anticipation of surgery and the recovery time, but the purpose of the surgery is the fix or remove the thing that was ailing us. I’ve already found a great deal of freedom with His ultimate guidance and direction and ‘house cleaning’. The cleaning doesn’t end until He takes us home, but some jobs are bigger than others. I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a giant job right now. Sometimes its hard to see what is happening until its over. When you’re in the middle of a tornado, you can’t see much, but from the outside looking in, you can see more clearly. I try to ride the eye of the storm where its at least a little bit calmer.

I’m hanging on. Evidence seems to point in a direction that I can’t see working. But I am pressed inside to keep hanging on. I was also given a Word from a friend that she felt God probing her to tell me. She didn’t know what it was about, but she told me to hold on. There’s something sweet at the end of this journey.

There’s work to be done that can’t be done alone or from external resources. So I’m just going to keep holding on. I’m hanging on. There IS meaning in all of this, in His name.

Love’isms

I’ve decided for now, to accept the impression I received yesterday, that I don’t have to make any decisions right now. Wow, that was a complicated sentence. :o) It gives me peace, at least for now. We’ll cross the next bridge when it arrives. I’ve actually considered that what we just did was die a little to ourselves and allow a greater force to show us something more. So I’ve let go, at least for now, to what tomorrow may bring and have comitted to living in the now. Not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring with it a bucket load of worries all its own.

In the mean time, of living each day for what it is, I’ve decided to start collecting some loveisms…There’s been a heap of them go by and I’ll try to recollect them as I remember them, but I’ll start with now and move forward.

Love’ism: Text message ‘143′. (3 words. 1st word, 1 letter. 2nd word, 4 letters. 3rd word, 3 letters.)

Little People, Big World

Went to Roloff Farms this afternoon to pick out a punkin’ or two. Had a great time! Saw some little people. :o) They open up their farm to the public in October for punkin’ season. This weekend was the last weekend so wanted to make sure I got there early enough Friday to miss the rush.

The babe, with Amy Roloff. She was blowing up balloons for the kids. WITHOUT a helium machine. There were four kids standing in front of us and I watched her blow up four balloons…I was light headed just watching her!

We get little in the BIG chair! This was fun. It’s the little things really…or…big. things. heehee :o)

That was a very yummy sucker she got from Amy.

We’re on a tour of the farm. Zach is driving the tractor.

See?! Zach! :o)

Her very first pony ride! I was so proud of her! She did so good. :D

My sweet little hammy girl. :)~

Helping me pick out a punkin’.

I think I’m going to turn this into holiday cards this year. :o)

Thursday

I have new roomies, temporarily, for a month. They (a single mama and her teenage daughter) moved in today. I spent the day helping her clean out the house she’s moving out of. She’ll be downsizing to a condo rental and found a great deal, but the current tenants won’t be moved until the end of November. I live in a 3 br condo with just me and my daughter and we’ve grown accustomed to having a good amount of space. It does get a bit tight when I share my space with others. If the economy continues to do what it is doing and individuals continue to lose jobs and are not able to find new ones, I think families are going to start stacking up on each other. Its interesting to me, really, that we get comfortable with so much space that when others move in we feel crowded. There are some cultures where there are multiple generations living in one very tiny home. Comfortably. What makes them comfortable and us so uncomfortable? Is it because we have so much STUFF? And we don’t have room in our lives for actual PEOPLE? For family? Friends? What if we invited relationship back into our lives and stopped depending on STUFF to fill the gaps? I know that stuff has had a heavy emotional pull on me for a lot of years. In the past year or so I’ve felt compelled to downsize significantly. Simplify. Its not an easy thing to do. It becomes easy and routine to just get more stuff. Cool stuff. Neat stuff. Fun stuff. Decorative stuff. Smelly stuff. What if we spent the money we spend on this stuff and blessed someone else with it? How much satisfaction do we really get from buying new stuff anyway? I know I am happy with new stuff for a short time. But when I’m able to help someone with a tangible need, I think about it for a very long time. It touches my heart. Since I’ve been a single mama, I’ve had blessings poured over me over and over. Hard to receive sometimes, but I’ve learned to humble myself and just say thank you. I’m so grateful. But what this has done is inspire me to pay it forward. I’ve not had to buy a single clothing item for my daughter since birth and she’s almost 3. While difficult to get rid of her things sometimes (because it means she’s not an infant anymore and I want to hold onto her little bittiness for as long as possible), it makes it all worthwhile to pass it down to another single mama who has a little bitty and needs it just as much as I did. I so love to share this way. I just donated my daughter’s crib after failed attempts at trying to sell it, to a single mama who has fostering children placed on her heart. What a huge undertaking, but foster children need a lot of love and she’s a good mama to do that. So I was grateful for the opportunity to support her heart’s desire. Hopefully some day soon she’ll have a little bitty sleeping in that crib, slathering them with lotsa mama love that they are missing from their biological family for whatever reason.

Anyway, I was happy for the distraction with cleaning my friend’s rental house today. Anything to keep my mind occupied from the current heart sorrow. I am on a roller coaster, for sure, but for the first time ever, I’m actually just allowing myself to feel and process my emotions. Even in distraction, it doesn’t shut my thinking down and the condition of my heart. It keeps the intensity down a bit, but whatever emotion I may have still creeps out. I was okay all morning and when we took a load of stuff to her storage unit, it hit me suddenly. The tears sprang up and I was very sad. I seriously do not know how in the world we are going to do this thing. I can’t just make a decision. Something I’ve finally learned how to do, though, is just coast with it. I really DON’T have to make a decision right now. There’s nothing that is pressing on me to do so. I’m not leaving tomorrow for a long term missions trip. Nobody is going anywhere right now. So I have found a little bit of comfort in that. After I cried it out a little bit, I received an impression in my heart that there’s plenty to be done before I am sent anywhere. He has about 8 years before his kids are growed up and out of the house. My daughter will only be 11 then. Realistically, unless I’m married, I couldn’t take her with me on a long term missions assignment until she was older, anyway. God CAN do anything he wants and is very creative that way. But I don’t have any sense that I’m going to be sent anywhere anytime soon. While I’m waiting and living and going on short term missions trips, God may be working in his heart. Perhaps in time he will develop the desire to go with me. I don’t know. I’m an idealist, though and like to paint pictures of what it could look like. What it should look like. What I want/desire it to look like. But God is working on me to tame that idealistic viewpoint because pretty much everything I have ever imagined or visualized has never turned out the way I expected. Usually better. Because my limited and meager understanding of things really puts significant limitations and a tiny box around the possibilities. I’d like to open up the box of possiblities and just go with the flow of it. SO NOT EASY for me to be still and allow things to unfold in the beautiful way that they do.

So, this evening I have a great deal of peace with things. Yesterday in my sorrow, I felt like things would have to end. Today I believe they don’t have to. It may change again tomorrow. I’ll let you know thought. Cuz I want to write it all down.

I’m gonna write it all down

I haven’t even journalled much in the past few months. My voice has been taken, it seems, in a different form than it was before. But I realized a loop last night. I’ll go ahead and leap right through it. :o)

I woke up this morning in quite a bit of a funk. I’ve been in one for a few weeks now, but it takes a different form every day now. Trying to work through some things that I will spill out here. Maybe on this post, maybe next…not sure where my words will take me. I managed to slither out of bed at 9:30…I feel awful about this. Like I’m a bad mom for sleeping in. I don’t have a job, though, and it seems to be our schedule these days. I shouldn’t feel bad. Its not like I’m missing anything, really. Don’t have any appointments or anything. She sleeps in with me. Not sure why I get the guilties about this, but soon enough, those will be gone and replaced with the uglies of having to get up early to go to work. Nothing in the works yet, on that, although I do have an interview on Monday. We’ll see where that goes. At any rate, mornings are not my favorite time. I’m just not a morning girl. In Maui or Kauai, I am. Here, I am not. Can’t make myself like ‘em. I’ve tried for years.

But anyways, the funk…I’m at an impasse. I’ve loved a man for over 5 years now and we battled the back and forth for so long. My heart was always in it, his was not. I couldn’t let go and it was easy for him to. Earlier this year, I finally let it all go. Had finally reached the end of my rope. And as soon as I did, his heart turned. We started officially dating in April, for about three months until I let go in July. I didn’t trust it. Didn’t trust that the rug was not going to be pulled out again. I convinced myself of all the reasons it wouldn’t work and I just couldn’t get myself engaged into the process. I was barely there. So I let go. The yucky part of it was that we didn’t talk. About much of anything. Both of us needed to talk, but neither of us could, for various reasons.

In mid July, my health went south for a couple of months, that I’ve mentioned on earlier posts. My body kinda took a beating and while I was in the hospital, he was there for me. Without agenda or time lines. He was just there, for as long as I needed. He snuggled with me and held me. Walked me to and from surgery. Loved on me like I need to be loved. It felt really good. It felt right. So in a moment of unmedicated clarity, we talked and decided to make a go of it again. This time with the realization that we need to communicate with one another even if it is difficult. We need to put everything out there, no matter what it was. And we were both going to engage. For three months it has been really good. Both of us completely on board and while not perfect, because two single parents dating is not a cake walk by any stretch…there are plenty of challenges to go around particularly where kids are concerned, but all was well. It felt really good. Really right.

Then there was a missions emphasis at church for a couple of weeks and my spirit spins out anytime there is a focus brought to missions. As my previous post mentions, I have had the seed planted in my heart to go on missions. I’m not sure when or how or where, but its there and it can’t be denied. My mind started to spin about how my current life would fit into the scenario. Is his heart set on missions, as well? From conversations we’ve had a LONG time ago, I knew that it is not. But we talked briefly about it. I let him know that my mind is spinning and I’m trying to find some resolution to it and I’m not sure where it will lead, but that it is very heavy on my mind. I do not want to MAKE him do something he does not have in his heart to do and I don’t want to put ultimatums out there. Nothing good comes from manipulation. Whatever happens we have decided will be a mutual decision. But I’m having to face the reality that while our hearts are finally in alignment, that perhaps our purpose is not. Its very difficult to contemplate on so many levels. Most of the men in my former life, there were obvious, tangible reasons to part. This…this is different. Can love conquer all? If his heart is intended for another purpose we may eventually find each other again, but its that giant gaping chasm of the unknown in the middle, and without any absolute guarantee that we will end up in the same place…that has me a bit spun out. How can I disconnect my heart from this man after so long? And for a reason that is so difficult to understand ourselves, letalone trying to explain it to others? Living and walking a life of faith is full of unknowns. But its not a place that I can deny or return back to where I came from. If I choose to stay, then I have the questions and gaping hole that my calling to missions should be. If I go, then there’s a gaping hole in my heart where I feel like he should be.

Right now we are standing on the fence. We’ve faced the reality that there just doesn’t seem to be any real answers. There’s not any place to meet in the middle. He doesn’t have the desires in his heart that I do. He feels that it is honorable and valuable and noble and a wonderful thing for me. But he’s not there right now. We could choose to hang on for an undetermined amount of time until I am sent (because I feel long term missions is/will ultimately be the outcome), but we’ll still have to leave one another. Is it better to do it now or hang on and let go later? When I write it all down it makes sense and it feels okay, but then I see him and face him and my heart wraps its arms around him and I don’t want to let him go.

So that’s where I am today. In a funk. Caught in a tug of war with my heart. My heart yearns for missions and a man. And there’s no question which one will win right now. It’s just getting to that place. There will be no easy way to do it. One day I’ll just have to decide…when the agony of it is greater than the desire to hold on. And that really hurts. A lot.

I did go to the gym today to try to work out some of my anxieties. It helped a little. More than anything I need the gym to help rid myself of the junk I’ve been piling into my face because I’m an emotional eater. The raw venture I started lost me about ten pounds and I was feeling great. And then this hit and well…all efforts kinda went south. I’m hoping to jump back up on that wagon soon.

When I got home I had some lunch with the babe and ate some of her snacks, put her down for a nap, and then promptly had a suger crash induced nap of my own. Sleep in the middle of the day is good for funky junk. Kinda nice to just eliminate a few hours of thinking.

Then had dinner (sushi) with a friend and then came home to Bible Study. We have a really great group of people in my Bible Study group and I so enjoy it. Look forward to it. Its such a real and raw group of people. Safe. Wonderful. Love it.

Right before Bible Study, I opened my email to find an acceptance letter from AGCI (All God’s Children International), that I have been accepted to participate in a trip to Ethiopia on a ten day missions trip with them in February. I’m suddenly very excited and nervous at the same time. Missions is in my heart, but its that first leap of faith that is a little bit nerve wracking. I’ve had my Passport since 2004 and it has no stamps in it. This will be my very first trip to another country (outside of the Navy or across the Mexican border) and there are significant risks involved. I don’t just have myself to consider anymore. My daughter is a huge factor. I have a lot of paperwork I have to fill out and get filed before I leave just in case anything happens while I’m away. Looking at this squarely does not feel very comfortable. I’m so crazy vulnerable with her in my life. But, I know that I will feel better once I know all that paperwork is filled out and filed and taken care of.

I’m looking forward to the distraction this will bring, but I think it solidifies the heart calling that I have that is contrary to the direction of another. While this is only a short term mission trip, it could ultimately and eventually lead to other opportunities and eventually perhaps a long term assignment. I’m not sure. God knows. And I’ll be following His lead.