Tuesday Tidbits

I had an interview yesterday. REALLY really struggle with interviews. I don’t like being put on the spot, even if done so purposefully. But…a necessary evil it is. I have no idea how it went. I think it went well at first and then I fell flat on my face, or so I feel like… But…perhaps they didn’t see me fall. hehe One can hope, anyway. Ah well…if I’m meant to have the job, I’ll get it regardless. If not…well…it just wasn’t meant to be. And that is okay.

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Sunday was a very emotionally draining day for me. The heart wrenching kind…when you think things are done and you begin to prepare yourself for the inevitable. But what I thought was inevitable, was not so. My mind can conjur up all kinds of scenarios, but what I’m realizing is that there is absolutely nothing in the relational realm that is absolute. Everything can change. Anything can change. There’s always hope and a silver lining when two people are actually choosing to work and walk together. If one person is working and the other is not, well that can be absolute…but it turns out that it isn’t for my particular scenario. This does make me happy. It doesn’t make things any easier because there’s still a giant question mark looming out there. Uncertainty is the word of the day, the month, the season… I think sometimes hanging on through uncertainty can be very healing and cause a lot of growth. I know it will for sure for me. I’m a runner. And hanging on is not easy. But…I’ve tossed my running shoes into the round file and I refuse to give in when things get difficult.

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I’m having crazy nostalgia and reconnecting with old friends from the Navy. And my scanner is not working, so I can’t upload photos. That frustrates me. I reckon I’ll get them posted soon enough. :o) Gosh, I don’t miss film days…so loving the digital revolution! :o) No need for scanners.

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It is Tuesday and an absolutely lazy Tuesday it is. I’m still in my jammies and its 3pm. Sometimes I’d be ashamed to admit that, but today…I really am happy to be in my jammies at 3pm. After feeling sufficiently beat up from yesterday’s interview, I think just in case I DO get the job, that another day or two of jammy wearing all day is in order because it might not happen again for a very long time.

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Was notified this morning of the team I will be travelling with to Ethiopia in February. :o) I’m excited. A little bit scared. I’ll be posting more here as soon as I receive more information. But for now, my registration is in and the ball is rolling. I’ll start my fund raising efforts very soon. Like next week. Stay tuned! :o)

Can someone plz help me with my page?

My sidebar…is now on the bottom. It just fell down there a few days ago. Not sure what happened. But I’m not sure how to lift it back up into its rightful right margin location. :) Thanks!

I’m Holding On

Not sure how relevant the actual video footage is to what is going on inside my heart, but from it I see how broken we all are. That what I’m feeling is not my own. I’m not an island. Brokenness hurts no matter who it is.

I think I’ve posted this song before, and I’m not sure in what context it was then (maybe I’ll go look for it!) but this time, its interesting. God has used songs in my life before to tell me something. I believe He’s trying to tell me something again because EVERY SINGLE TIME I turn on the radio right now it is playing. And when it comes on throughout the day it seems louder than usual. So I actually listened to the lyrics today.

Broken – by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin on)(I’m holdin on)
(I’m still holdin on) (I’m holdin on)
I’m barely holding on to you

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven’t forgotten my way home

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’)(I’m holdin’ on)(I’m still holdin’) (I’m holdin’ on) (I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you (I’m still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

The things that stand out the most to me are:

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

I’m hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

I, in my limited understanding, have doubts.

The Lord gives, and He takes away. He cannot give us freedom, until He takes something else away. The bondage, the hurts, the pains, the lies that keep us tied to bad choices and thinking and reactions. We’re better without them. But its a painful process to be rid of them. I embrace the opportunity to rid myself of these kind of burdens, but its painful…kinda like the anticipation of surgery and the recovery time, but the purpose of the surgery is the fix or remove the thing that was ailing us. I’ve already found a great deal of freedom with His ultimate guidance and direction and ‘house cleaning’. The cleaning doesn’t end until He takes us home, but some jobs are bigger than others. I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a giant job right now. Sometimes its hard to see what is happening until its over. When you’re in the middle of a tornado, you can’t see much, but from the outside looking in, you can see more clearly. I try to ride the eye of the storm where its at least a little bit calmer.

I’m hanging on. Evidence seems to point in a direction that I can’t see working. But I am pressed inside to keep hanging on. I was also given a Word from a friend that she felt God probing her to tell me. She didn’t know what it was about, but she told me to hold on. There’s something sweet at the end of this journey.

There’s work to be done that can’t be done alone or from external resources. So I’m just going to keep holding on. I’m hanging on. There IS meaning in all of this, in His name.

Love’isms

I’ve decided for now, to accept the impression I received yesterday, that I don’t have to make any decisions right now. Wow, that was a complicated sentence. :o) It gives me peace, at least for now. We’ll cross the next bridge when it arrives. I’ve actually considered that what we just did was die a little to ourselves and allow a greater force to show us something more. So I’ve let go, at least for now, to what tomorrow may bring and have comitted to living in the now. Not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring with it a bucket load of worries all its own.

In the mean time, of living each day for what it is, I’ve decided to start collecting some loveisms…There’s been a heap of them go by and I’ll try to recollect them as I remember them, but I’ll start with now and move forward.

Love’ism: Text message ‘143′. (3 words. 1st word, 1 letter. 2nd word, 4 letters. 3rd word, 3 letters.)

Little People, Big World

Went to Roloff Farms this afternoon to pick out a punkin’ or two. Had a great time! Saw some little people. :o) They open up their farm to the public in October for punkin’ season. This weekend was the last weekend so wanted to make sure I got there early enough Friday to miss the rush.

The babe, with Amy Roloff. She was blowing up balloons for the kids. WITHOUT a helium machine. There were four kids standing in front of us and I watched her blow up four balloons…I was light headed just watching her!

We get little in the BIG chair! This was fun. It’s the little things really…or…big. things. heehee :o)

That was a very yummy sucker she got from Amy.

We’re on a tour of the farm. Zach is driving the tractor.

See?! Zach! :o)

Her very first pony ride! I was so proud of her! She did so good. :D

My sweet little hammy girl. :)~

Helping me pick out a punkin’.

I think I’m going to turn this into holiday cards this year. :o)
Posted in BB Sunshine, Life, Pictures | Leave a Comment »

Thursday

I have new roomies, temporarily, for a month. They (a single mama and her teenage daughter) moved in today. I spent the day helping her clean out the house she’s moving out of. She’ll be downsizing to a condo rental and found a great deal, but the current tenants won’t be moved until the end of November. I live in a 3 br condo with just me and my daughter and we’ve grown accustomed to having a good amount of space. It does get a bit tight when I share my space with others. If the economy continues to do what it is doing and individuals continue to lose jobs and are not able to find new ones, I think families are going to start stacking up on each other. Its interesting to me, really, that we get comfortable with so much space that when others move in we feel crowded. There are some cultures where there are multiple generations living in one very tiny home. Comfortably. What makes them comfortable and us so uncomfortable? Is it because we have so much STUFF? And we don’t have room in our lives for actual PEOPLE? For family? Friends? What if we invited relationship back into our lives and stopped depending on STUFF to fill the gaps? I know that stuff has had a heavy emotional pull on me for a lot of years. In the past year or so I’ve felt compelled to downsize significantly. Simplify. Its not an easy thing to do. It becomes easy and routine to just get more stuff. Cool stuff. Neat stuff. Fun stuff. Decorative stuff. Smelly stuff. What if we spent the money we spend on this stuff and blessed someone else with it? How much satisfaction do we really get from buying new stuff anyway? I know I am happy with new stuff for a short time. But when I’m able to help someone with a tangible need, I think about it for a very long time. It touches my heart. Since I’ve been a single mama, I’ve had blessings poured over me over and over. Hard to receive sometimes, but I’ve learned to humble myself and just say thank you. I’m so grateful. But what this has done is inspire me to pay it forward. I’ve not had to buy a single clothing item for my daughter since birth and she’s almost 3. While difficult to get rid of her things sometimes (because it means she’s not an infant anymore and I want to hold onto her little bittiness for as long as possible), it makes it all worthwhile to pass it down to another single mama who has a little bitty and needs it just as much as I did. I so love to share this way. I just donated my daughter’s crib after failed attempts at trying to sell it, to a single mama who has fostering children placed on her heart. What a huge undertaking, but foster children need a lot of love and she’s a good mama to do that. So I was grateful for the opportunity to support her heart’s desire. Hopefully some day soon she’ll have a little bitty sleeping in that crib, slathering them with lotsa mama love that they are missing from their biological family for whatever reason.

Anyway, I was happy for the distraction with cleaning my friend’s rental house today. Anything to keep my mind occupied from the current heart sorrow. I am on a roller coaster, for sure, but for the first time ever, I’m actually just allowing myself to feel and process my emotions. Even in distraction, it doesn’t shut my thinking down and the condition of my heart. It keeps the intensity down a bit, but whatever emotion I may have still creeps out. I was okay all morning and when we took a load of stuff to her storage unit, it hit me suddenly. The tears sprang up and I was very sad. I seriously do not know how in the world we are going to do this thing. I can’t just make a decision. Something I’ve finally learned how to do, though, is just coast with it. I really DON’T have to make a decision right now. There’s nothing that is pressing on me to do so. I’m not leaving tomorrow for a long term missions trip. Nobody is going anywhere right now. So I have found a little bit of comfort in that. After I cried it out a little bit, I received an impression in my heart that there’s plenty to be done before I am sent anywhere. He has about 8 years before his kids are growed up and out of the house. My daughter will only be 11 then. Realistically, unless I’m married, I couldn’t take her with me on a long term missions assignment until she was older, anyway. God CAN do anything he wants and is very creative that way. But I don’t have any sense that I’m going to be sent anywhere anytime soon. While I’m waiting and living and going on short term missions trips, God may be working in his heart. Perhaps in time he will develop the desire to go with me. I don’t know. I’m an idealist, though and like to paint pictures of what it could look like. What it should look like. What I want/desire it to look like. But God is working on me to tame that idealistic viewpoint because pretty much everything I have ever imagined or visualized has never turned out the way I expected. Usually better. Because my limited and meager understanding of things really puts significant limitations and a tiny box around the possibilities. I’d like to open up the box of possiblities and just go with the flow of it. SO NOT EASY for me to be still and allow things to unfold in the beautiful way that they do.

So, this evening I have a great deal of peace with things. Yesterday in my sorrow, I felt like things would have to end. Today I believe they don’t have to. It may change again tomorrow. I’ll let you know thought. Cuz I want to write it all down.

Posted in BB Sunshine, Faith, Introspection, Life, Missions, Mr. B, Single Motherhood | 2 Comments »

I’m gonna write it all down

I haven’t even journalled much in the past few months. My voice has been taken, it seems, in a different form than it was before. But I realized a loop last night. I’ll go ahead and leap right through it. :o)

I woke up this morning in quite a bit of a funk. I’ve been in one for a few weeks now, but it takes a different form every day now. Trying to work through some things that I will spill out here. Maybe on this post, maybe next…not sure where my words will take me. I managed to slither out of bed at 9:30…I feel awful about this. Like I’m a bad mom for sleeping in. I don’t have a job, though, and it seems to be our schedule these days. I shouldn’t feel bad. Its not like I’m missing anything, really. Don’t have any appointments or anything. She sleeps in with me. Not sure why I get the guilties about this, but soon enough, those will be gone and replaced with the uglies of having to get up early to go to work. Nothing in the works yet, on that, although I do have an interview on Monday. We’ll see where that goes. At any rate, mornings are not my favorite time. I’m just not a morning girl. In Maui or Kauai, I am. Here, I am not. Can’t make myself like ‘em. I’ve tried for years.

But anyways, the funk…I’m at an impasse. I’ve loved a man for over 5 years now and we battled the back and forth for so long. My heart was always in it, his was not. I couldn’t let go and it was easy for him to. Earlier this year, I finally let it all go. Had finally reached the end of my rope. And as soon as I did, his heart turned. We started officially dating in April, for about three months until I let go in July. I didn’t trust it. Didn’t trust that the rug was not going to be pulled out again. I convinced myself of all the reasons it wouldn’t work and I just couldn’t get myself engaged into the process. I was barely there. So I let go. The yucky part of it was that we didn’t talk. About much of anything. Both of us needed to talk, but neither of us could, for various reasons.

In mid July, my health went south for a couple of months, that I’ve mentioned on earlier posts. My body kinda took a beating and while I was in the hospital, he was there for me. Without agenda or time lines. He was just there, for as long as I needed. He snuggled with me and held me. Walked me to and from surgery. Loved on me like I need to be loved. It felt really good. It felt right. So in a moment of unmedicated clarity, we talked and decided to make a go of it again. This time with the realization that we need to communicate with one another even if it is difficult. We need to put everything out there, no matter what it was. And we were both going to engage. For three months it has been really good. Both of us completely on board and while not perfect, because two single parents dating is not a cake walk by any stretch…there are plenty of challenges to go around particularly where kids are concerned, but all was well. It felt really good. Really right.

Then there was a missions emphasis at church for a couple of weeks and my spirit spins out anytime there is a focus brought to missions. As my previous post mentions, I have had the seed planted in my heart to go on missions. I’m not sure when or how or where, but its there and it can’t be denied. My mind started to spin about how my current life would fit into the scenario. Is his heart set on missions, as well? From conversations we’ve had a LONG time ago, I knew that it is not. But we talked briefly about it. I let him know that my mind is spinning and I’m trying to find some resolution to it and I’m not sure where it will lead, but that it is very heavy on my mind. I do not want to MAKE him do something he does not have in his heart to do and I don’t want to put ultimatums out there. Nothing good comes from manipulation. Whatever happens we have decided will be a mutual decision. But I’m having to face the reality that while our hearts are finally in alignment, that perhaps our purpose is not. Its very difficult to contemplate on so many levels. Most of the men in my former life, there were obvious, tangible reasons to part. This…this is different. Can love conquer all? If his heart is intended for another purpose we may eventually find each other again, but its that giant gaping chasm of the unknown in the middle, and without any absolute guarantee that we will end up in the same place…that has me a bit spun out. How can I disconnect my heart from this man after so long? And for a reason that is so difficult to understand ourselves, letalone trying to explain it to others? Living and walking a life of faith is full of unknowns. But its not a place that I can deny or return back to where I came from. If I choose to stay, then I have the questions and gaping hole that my calling to missions should be. If I go, then there’s a gaping hole in my heart where I feel like he should be.

Right now we are standing on the fence. We’ve faced the reality that there just doesn’t seem to be any real answers. There’s not any place to meet in the middle. He doesn’t have the desires in his heart that I do. He feels that it is honorable and valuable and noble and a wonderful thing for me. But he’s not there right now. We could choose to hang on for an undetermined amount of time until I am sent (because I feel long term missions is/will ultimately be the outcome), but we’ll still have to leave one another. Is it better to do it now or hang on and let go later? When I write it all down it makes sense and it feels okay, but then I see him and face him and my heart wraps its arms around him and I don’t want to let him go.

So that’s where I am today. In a funk. Caught in a tug of war with my heart. My heart yearns for missions and a man. And there’s no question which one will win right now. It’s just getting to that place. There will be no easy way to do it. One day I’ll just have to decide…when the agony of it is greater than the desire to hold on. And that really hurts. A lot.

I did go to the gym today to try to work out some of my anxieties. It helped a little. More than anything I need the gym to help rid myself of the junk I’ve been piling into my face because I’m an emotional eater. The raw venture I started lost me about ten pounds and I was feeling great. And then this hit and well…all efforts kinda went south. I’m hoping to jump back up on that wagon soon.

When I got home I had some lunch with the babe and ate some of her snacks, put her down for a nap, and then promptly had a suger crash induced nap of my own. Sleep in the middle of the day is good for funky junk. Kinda nice to just eliminate a few hours of thinking.

Then had dinner (sushi) with a friend and then came home to Bible Study. We have a really great group of people in my Bible Study group and I so enjoy it. Look forward to it. Its such a real and raw group of people. Safe. Wonderful. Love it.

Right before Bible Study, I opened my email to find an acceptance letter from AGCI (All God’s Children International), that I have been accepted to participate in a trip to Ethiopia on a ten day missions trip with them in February. I’m suddenly very excited and nervous at the same time. Missions is in my heart, but its that first leap of faith that is a little bit nerve wracking. I’ve had my Passport since 2004 and it has no stamps in it. This will be my very first trip to another country (outside of the Navy or across the Mexican border) and there are significant risks involved. I don’t just have myself to consider anymore. My daughter is a huge factor. I have a lot of paperwork I have to fill out and get filed before I leave just in case anything happens while I’m away. Looking at this squarely does not feel very comfortable. I’m so crazy vulnerable with her in my life. But, I know that I will feel better once I know all that paperwork is filled out and filed and taken care of.

I’m looking forward to the distraction this will bring, but I think it solidifies the heart calling that I have that is contrary to the direction of another. While this is only a short term mission trip, it could ultimately and eventually lead to other opportunities and eventually perhaps a long term assignment. I’m not sure. God knows. And I’ll be following His lead.

Posted in BB Sunshine, Faith, Job, Life, Missions, Mr. B, Single Dads, Single Motherhood | 3 Comments »

Missions

In 2002 a seed was planted in my heart about missions. Perhaps I’ve shared this before, but at the time, I didn’t think it could be possible. Who am *I* that I could do something so important as missions. I mean, my life was a disaster. It didn’t seem real, but it was real enough that I continued to think about it for years. Or more accurately, it was brought to my attention a lot over the years. It even came to mind when I got pregnant…that whatever that desire was to go there, would surely be shattered now. Last year my heart was re-inspired by a bulletin for a trip to Cambodia. I thought I was going to go, but plans didn’t manifest. But since that time the desire has grown and grown and whenever there is a missions focus or emphasis at church, I feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. Like, I’m really really supposed to go there. I don’t know where ‘there’ is. And I don’t know when. Or how. But I’ve had a vision of little brown faces. There’s a lot of world with little brown faces in need. Which ones will I get to show a little bit of Jesus love to? And when? And how? I just want to GO!

Lately, I’ve heard several times that when we have been given a calling, its often up to us to take the first step of faith and then the rest will be taken care of. So rather than waiting for the door to open or to hit me in my face, I’m going to step out – reach for it. Entertain opportunities. I checked into MercyShips which is an AMAZING ministry…a floating hospital…but my limitations are too large with being a single parent. I don’t think God sees limitations, though. If He wants me to be a missionary, He will make it so, regardless of what circumstance looks like. I think He likes to do that, actually…show people what He can accomplish outside of our little bitty brain and its understanding… He’s doing that now for me with finances. The numbers do not nor have they EVER added up since I became unemployed in January. Yet…the money is always there. I’ve not missed a payment on anything. Not even been late. I can’t explain it. It just is. And so I accept the blessing and praise God for taking such good care of us. I even got a vacation with His financing. Shouldn’t have been possible – single unemployed mama spending a week in Kauai? It happened. Really. And truly, by no effort of my own besides booking the airfare. Seriously…leaning on Him is so much easier than depending on my own ability to work things out. So when something doesn’t work out, I’m not disappointed because that particular thing was just not meant to be…and He has something so much greater than I could imagine in store. Where I would fit better, for Him.

So anyways, I think last week or two ago I applied for a job (of hundreds) that I just heard back from yesterday. I sent in my resume and am now awaiting further information, but it is for AGCI (All God’s Children International), a Christian International Adoption agency. This organization has orphanages in several countries that they draw their adopted children from. The gal that watches my darling when I’m working adopted their daughter from China, through this organization. I did not know that until yesterday. While I’ve applied for a tangible salaried position for this company in my area, they also offer missions trips to their orphanages. Ethiopia in Feb, China in April, Bulgaria in July…and that’s only the beginning. I was watching some videos they have on their website and I started crying…could this be? Could it be the entryway to the little brown faces in my heart? I was watching a video on Bulgarian children and all I could think about is how well we’d fit in there. Often times its more detrimental for Americans to serve in other countries, not only because we stand out like a sore thumb (White), but also because we don’t live the way they do. But one of the things that stood out is that my daughter has brown hair and brown eyes and has a darker complexion. She would fit in perfectly. And I have brown hair and blue eyes, which I saw several pictures of adults and children with such. Their skin colors are a bit more mixed there, which initially would make it easier to fit. I realize that love does not have a color, but it does make sense that missionaries should have some commonality with the culture in which they serve, even if it starts with outward appearance. All that being said, though…God can and will and does do anything He wants.

I’m not sure what is going to happen…either with the job or with missions. I’m awaiting my information packet to launch myself into the unknown. Perhaps I’m meant to assist in short term missions for a time and then later on become a full time missionary. I do believe full time missions will happen at some point. For now, I look forward to seeing if I’ll be able to go in February to Ethiopia. The application has to be submitted next week and the first half of the monies paid by Nov 25th. I have no idea how the money will come together, but again, if its meant to be, then the money will come. And time will not be a factor. So…I am anxious to report how this particular venture will manifest. :)

Posted in BB Sunshine, Faith, Job, Life, Missions, Single Motherhood | 1 Comment »

Excitable

There are times in my life that my insides become so energized that I feel like I’m going to leap out of my skin. Its not necessarily a bad thing or feeling, but the thing that makes it feel bad is that I’m usually pretty contemplative and an observer and I become very very chatty. Overly exhuberent. My insides are bouncing off the walls. I suspect it is a hormonal thing, but as with everything, it causes my mind to also bounce off the walls. When this happens I always have to be careful to watch what my chatty self says because my self control goes by the wayside…or my filters do. Something. Not that I always say things that are out of character or rude or what-not. It just makes me very self-conscious. Like I need anything else to be self-conscious about. I’m trying to rid myself of SELF-consciousness and focus more on OTHERS-consciousness.

Anyways… I started typing the last paragraph this morning. I seem to have de-escalated a bit. I got to spend a few hours in the garage. I have no idea how in the world I have so much stuff. I’ve taken probably 6 loads to Good Will over the past year. Stuff keeps finding its way back in. Actually…to be fair and honest…baby stuff that is being outgrown is landing in there and it doesn’t seem like there’s any SMALL baby stuff. Highchair, stroller, swing, play toys, tub stuff, booster seat, etc, etc. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with it. Part of me doesn’t want to get rid of it. Cuz my baby is now a little girl. And because it meant so much to me, what I want to ask for a selling price is too much. So…for now it will sit in the garage. I am working on the whole sentimental value of THINGS being set aside. I can’t take any of this stuff with me. Its the memories that count. Oy.

I’m Facebook friends with a few single parents…really like to see how things are going in the world outside of blogging. :o) If you wanna be Facebook pals, lemme know. I find it easier most days to post a one sentence update there, but do plan to start getting back into the swing here. There’s lotsa pictures over there, though. ;o)

It seems like I had more to say today…apparently my brain has left the building. :o)

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Rust

I’m feeling a bit rusty. ‘Hoping at some point soon it will be like riding a bike. I’ll just get back on and start peddlin’ like I did before. :) I’ve had a lot of great ideas and inspiration occur to me in the past few days, but because of my short term memory, they have escaped me. I’m sure they will return. Maybe. I’m so distracted. I don’t get much time to sit down and articulate anything. I was in Bend visiting the babe’s auntie for the past couple of days and I was able to sit down long enough to re-inspire my blogging energy and to write 100 and 100 more things about me. That’s a lot of talking about myself. Thinking about myself. But it was a good exercise. To recall random things that make me uniquely ME. Not any of the things are unique… but the combination of things.

It seems I’m REALLY out of touch because there are folks who’ve fallen off the blogroll. But I’m relieved to see that there are a whole lot more that have gotten caught up in life and have not posted much, either. Not that I think I’m an island and am the only one who gets lost in life… Its always nice to hear or know that others can relate, though. Which is interesting, really…why do I need validation? Why do I need to be told, in a sense, that whatever is happening is okay and that I have permission to be vacant for a while? I know its silly, but I get a little case of the guilties; like I’ve let people down. I always feel like I’m letting people down. I know this is a big fat lie, though. Its not real. We’re all swimming around in this crazy busy world, passing people by every minute, every moment, every day, every year. Not a single one of us can truly be consistent in everything they do, all the time. Why do I put this pressure on myself? Like I’m somehow responsible for the livlihood of others and my vacancy is creating a giant void for them. Crazy, really. Because that would mean that I’m somehow a whole lot more important that others…that my presence is somehow so imperative to anothers’ existence. The only instance this is real is in the life of my daughter. But other adults? I am conscientous of others’ around me. Probably too much…which is why I get the guilties. Where’s the happy medium?

Anyways…not sure where that tangent came from… :o) But I’m into the whole train of thought thing taking me wherever it wants to go.

I was having a stressed day a few days ago. You know when you go the the grocery store and it takes everything in you to just be able to push cart down the isle…eeeking out the only morsel of energy and logical thought to follow the grocery list. I get stressed because the sweetest of toddler voices chatters to me non-stop and she rarely takes a breath. I’m happy she does this. But some days I need her to pause so mommy can have a quiet moment. She’s not napping much lately so that is out of the question during the day. I just don’t want to talk or validate or affirm or respond sometimes. I’m tired of talking. Chattering. Repeating. And my patience becomes very thin. While in the store, the babe was chattering at me to look at this and check out that and could you pick up this and I barked a little bit louder than I had intended to, ‘PATIENCE!’ I can’t answer all of her questions and do everything she wants me to as quickly as she delivers the vocal tone. It didn’t take long for me to realize that she will not learn anything from my barking. I must exhibit patience in my behavior and she will learn. Lord have mercy…I need a whole lot more patience. It takes a lot of self-control to exhibit patience, when I’m really impatient. So I need a good helping of self-control, as well. But it is true. I cannot demand patience. So the past couple of days I’ve been trying to consciously exhibit patience. Not easy. Apparently I’m REALLY impatient because…I don’t really know how to exhibit it. So I sit down and let her know that whatever it is that she is asking will require that she be patient. And I say, ’see…mommy has to be patient, too’. Seems pretty elementary, but she says okay…and watches me intentely. Most of the time, the message that my daughter ‘gets’ is because I deliver it in the most simple form. I’ve tended to complicate matters by first, focusing so much on MYSELF and my comfort…and then trying to teach her out of my frustration. Rather than considering the simplest alternative. And then magically whatever impatience I might feel, actually is very minimal or it doesn’t exist at all. I’m not going to minimize parenting to a simple task complicated by selfish pursuits. Its different for everyone. But I’m learning this is the method that seems to work best for my sweet little bitty. ‘Course now that I’ve verbalized it, everything will change. ;)

Posted in BB Sunshine, Life, Single Motherhood | 2 Comments »

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