Growing Pains

I’ve turned in the overwhelming oppressive yucky feeling about needing to do the right thing for a heart broken feeling. A self induced dumping myself out of the boat into cold frigid, rough waters. Whilst trying to gain my bearings…feels like I’ve been doing that for MONTHS now…my head is all over the place. Mostly self-pity places. When I’m in the middle of MONTHS of refinement, it seems like I am such a drone. Such a burden. Such an annoying, could I ever get out of the pits, killjoy. The waves of chaotic thinking and misunderstood perceptions and hurt feelings keep wacking me right and left and front and back. Okay, God. I surrender. I’ve done what you’ve asked me to do. Please help me work it out from here. I recognize here a problem that I have…is that I try to work everything out…myself. (No wonder I’m exhausted!)

Way back before I knew Jesus, I lived an existence of mental turmoil. All. The. Time. Almost 30 years of pretty consistent yuck. Good times. Yeah. It is only by the Grace of God that I made it to here. The GREAT news is that Jesus brought me hope. Even in the middle of the turmoil, I have hope. I always see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I always have someone to ask for help. And I can lean on Him with absolute assurance that He won’t let me down. That He makes all things good. That there is a plan in all of this. I didn’t have that before. How I lived or was able to sustain is hard for me to understand, but yay that I did! I know now that even though I’m VERY TIRED after months of refinement, and I’m really ready to see the light at the end of this tunnel, there WILL BE an end to it!

I am oober consious of what my moods do to affect my daughter and hope and pray that I won’t ruin her and keep her little foundation off balance. I hope the rest of me is consistent enough. Today I think we had a little bonding moment, though, that helped me feel a bit better. I was a bit short with her and she had a two year old tantrum that blew all other tantrums out of the water…worse than I have ever seen. Over sidewalk chalk. So I put her in her bed until she could simmer her little self down. That pretty much sent her through the roof even further. Which in turn sent me through the roof. Self control…not really my strong suit when a mood of mine and a mood of hers collide. Lord have mercy. But when the explosives died down, I took her out of her bed and rocked her for a moment. I asked her to look at me, which she normally will not do when she’s upset. She looked right at me and I said, ‘I’m sorry that I got so upset at you.’ She looked me deep in the eyes and said, ‘ok’. And then we hugged and the world was lovely again. Being the only voice on her planet makes me crazy on a good day. Most of the time I feel I am terribly failing her somehow. Discipline is not easy when there’s no one else to help bear the burden. I always feel like I’m doing it wrong. I know I’m not. I know I’m doing a good job. I am a good mommy. Discipline is a necessary evil. I’m sure harder on the parents than it is on the kids.

It’s 11pm at night at my mind won’t quit. I recently read this really good book called ‘Lord, I Want to be Whole’ by Stormie Omartian. If you were raised in a home with emotional turmoil, and you still struggle with feeling emotionally off balance, I highly recommend it. VERY good book. Really empowering. Admittedly a bit of an overwhelming realization, though, that those raised with a broken foundation have a whole lot more cracks to navigate with the enemies shenanigans. I really get tired of fighting. I just want God to come down with His giant foot and squash the enemy out of my existence (for me its squashing the negative self-talk and bludgeoning). He can and will do that if I ask Him. I just have to know that I have the power of Him, within me. Strattling the fence between the old way of knowing (long process to let go of -dying to thyself) and the new way of understanding is not always easy to remember, especially under duress. Some days I just want to be rescued. Please God, I can’t think anymore. I don’t have the will or energy to even dip my feet or hand into the water. Could you do it for me? But as we cannot and should not do everything for our children, we want to empower them to be strong individuals, sometimes we have to ask them to do things on their own. I can’t carry my daughter everywhere, no matter how much she wants me to. Being carried through life only enables complacency and condones self-pity. Responsibility is not always an easy thing to exercise. But it is mandatory.

There’s Nothing Left to Justify

There’s a saying that goes something like this… We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I’ve finally come to a space that I’m in complete understanding of this concept. The clarity comes from having observed a relationship through many seasons of life. Five years worth of seasons. It’s interesting to me that individuals can be together/dating for years and years and then get married and then get divorced shortly therafter. I can understand why now. After years of evaluating and justifying and trying to make all the pieces fit, they may eventually just say, hey…we’ve gone through a lot, been through a lot together, know everything about the other person, etc, etc…why don’t we just make this thing official and go with it! We can make it work. If our friendship could withstand the turmoils of life thus far, and we keep coming back to one another, why not? What more could happen inside of a marriage that didn’t happen while we were contemplating all those years?

With a great deal of committment and some seriously hard work, I think that two people in a scenario such as this could make it work. However, I believe that while all relationships need work, and sometimes really hard work, if it is RIGHT, it shouldn’t be that hard. It shouldn’t be a job or a chore or strenuous ALL THE TIME. There’s a natural flow and understanding that takes place when two people are RIGHT for each other.

There’s a depth to we humans that not everybody has tapped fully into; the spiritual depth. If our spirits are not in alignment, it doesn’t matter if everything else on the outside looks pretty and workable. The spirit will soon become heavy laden and it starts manifesting itself in alternate stressors and symptoms and one or the other or both parties start becoming unhappy and want to eject. It’s the whole point of being equally yoked. We must be equally yoked with spiritually like-minded individuals. If we are not, it is a recipe for disaster. If our spirits are not in alignment, we look for the other individual to fill our needs and when their spirit is not on board, well…we just can’t make that happen. It has to be inside them already. If its not, it only invites bitterness and resentment because they are not who we desperately need them to be. And its okay that we NEED another. We are built for relationship. It is in us to have a very intimate closeness with another. But if the spiritual yoke is out of alignment, true heart to heart intimacy cannot be mastered because our heart is where our spirit resides. We can try to fake it for a while, but then we just hit a wall and can’t do it any more. We try to push through the discomfort, thinking it is our fears and insecurities that is keeping us from wanting to commit or from feeling closer to the other individual; as close as we desire to anyway. I’d submit that very VERY few are able to experience the true and absolute heart to heart intimate closeness that we were intended for because so few are willing to wait for that. We try to talk ourselves into this and out of that; all the while not LISTENING to the things that are probing our spirits, usually right out of the chute.

There may be absolutely nothing WRONG with the individual that we’ve been contemplating. It has occured to me that perhaps this journey I’ve personally been on was meant to teach me exactly this…that I am capable of having a relationship with someone…I am worthy of it. A long term one, even. But what has been missing is the deep intimate soul connection that is necessary in order for a proper foundation to be built. My foundation is built on the Rock (Luke 6:48 He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.); built on faith in Jesus. This is my spirituality. This is who I am. It doesn’t matter if someone is a Christian; that he/she goes to church. If they are not walking IN Christ, if faith in Christ is not the core of their existence, how can there be any strength in a structure that is not built with the same materials? If one side of the house is built with the strength of God, who is all knowing, who meticulously pieced together the entire universe, and the other side was built on whatever substance that man could conjur up in his own strength, with limited knowledge and understanding…I’m thinking there’d be a bit of a tilted house. At some point, one side might just slide off. Fall into itself.

I’ve struggled for years and years with feelings toward men. I experience crazy intense feelings. I’m sure others do, as well, but it has perplexed me beyond measure that I could feel that way about so many, yet not a single one of them was the one for me. I’ve tried to unravel all that for a very long time. Its recently occurred to me that every one of these individuals has a quality or characteristic that my heart yearns for. The other day I wrote down the qualities I most admired in the men I have had heart strings for. And realized that perhaps God was showing me what these characteristics look like. It didn’t mean that each of these men were the one for me, but they each taught me a little piece about myself. This quality or that characteristic are what makes my heart SING! :O) What if, God has a man for me that IS each of these qualities/characteristics?! Wouldn’t that be something?! What if I decided to just stop trying so hard and give it all to God. Since He knows everything anyway…why in the world do I try so hard to make all these square pegs fit into a round hole? I cannot justify them into my life. No matter how many hundreds of ways there are to look at something. My spirit will not respond favorably if its not the right setup.

And you know…it doesn’t really matter what we THINK it is that we want. Because God knows so much BETTER, not just what we want, but what we NEED! A friend asked me the other day if I was willing to give up the thing that I fought so hard for, for so long. Admittedly, it sent me reeling. Because what if?! What if it is my fears and insecurities keeping me from throwing myself in. The truth is, there are no more what ifs. God has shown me in so many crazy ways that I have CHOSEN not to listen to, that while a particular man is REALLY REALLY important in my life, that he is NOT the ONE that He has intended for me. That’s the thing about walking in the Spirit. You do KNOW when you’re being spoken to. It’s a ‘knowing’ that can’t be explained. It’s not a legalistic religious guideline that I feel I must follow. No. God speaks to my heart and soul in a mulititude of ways. He does to each of us. Its our choice whether or not to hear Him.

So…I’ve finally come to the realization that there is, cannot be, and will be no more justfication for this relationship. We are just not intended for one another. Maybe…way way down the line somewhere…God has a trick up His sleeve and will take him through a refining process and bring him back to me. But…God’s work is not our business. We cannot sit around and wait to supervise to ensure that He is doing everything properly. No. He does things the way He does things in the time, way and fashion that He determins. He gives us just enough information to know certain things and we are to be obedient to that. If not, it is our choice to live with the consequences of our choices, contrary to His direction. He gives us the will to choose. Everything is permissible. But if we are walking outside of the guidance that He has given us, He cannot bless it. It will become difficult.

So…with all that being said, its very difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that we cannot be together because of spiritual indifference. I’ve always had a very tangible reason that the guys who I was with did not work out. I usually took on the responsibility of it, myself, due to a mountain of other reasons, but the point is…scaling the wall between my will and His…is not a course for sissies. Feels much like I’m swimming upstream. But its what faith is for and is about. (Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.) I’ve learned enough about it to know that even though it is very difficult groping around blindly, I’d rather be groping blindly with a guide, who knows His way around the universe, than by my own instincts, which are seriously faulty and misguided at best.

Here I Am, Please Send Me…

It started somewhere around 2002…this pressing in my heart about Missions. Gospel for Asia was at the church that I attended for a Missions focus weekend. I picked up a book that was to sit in my book collection, unopened, until about a month ago. I can’t believe I still had the book. More surprising than the book that I picked up was the pressing in my heart and compassion I suddenly felt for Missions so many years ago. I wondered what THAT was all about and how in the world would *I* be able to do such a thing as Missions. Hmph. I was a broken girl. Worthless. Useless. But okay, I’ll tuck that little whatever in my heart away as I had learned to do with so many other things in my world at that time. (I lived in TX for five very long years. EVERYTHING I touched crumbled. Perhaps I’ll speak more about that later.This was nearing around the end of my time there.)

I don’t claim having received Jesus into my life until November 2004, but I think He was there before (A neighbor of mine gave me the sinner’s prayer to say outloud in the privacy of my room when I was 11 years old. I think I got Him then, but LIFE kinda snuffed Him out. Hindsight reveals His presence more clearly now, all along). I just didn’t know it. Now, it would explain how I had the dream planted into my core back in 2002 when I didn’t think I was worthy of such an honorable thing. HE believes I’m worthy. I know now that He doesn’t call the equipped, but He equips the called.

Over the years, there were several reminders of Missions but my life was so far off the mark that I considered it a crazy pipe dream. I just didn’t get it. But He kept reminding me for some reason; whispering it into my ear. When I see pictures whether on TV, magazines, books, and sometimes in daydreams, of little brown faces…I’m taken back to the core again of the desire to go there.

When I got pregnant out of wedlock, after I felt I was ‘officially’ saved, I thought for sure there’d REALLY be no chance for me to go. They don’t send people to do God’s work who wear a giant scarlet letter. The thing is…people don’t send people to do God’s work…GOD sends people to do His work. It doesn’t LOOK possible that I, a single mother, could be a missionary. It’s a little contradictory to the picturesque Christian lifestyle. However…Jesus did not mingle with all the perfect people. Did you know that Rahab was a prostitute and He still used Her for His glory? This inspires me. That is Grace. There is not one perfect person in the entire Bible, with the exception of Jesus, that the Lord did not use for His glory.

Anyways…it doesn’t look like I could be a Missionary from a wordly perspective. BUT…I know what I know and I trust what I know. He doesn’t whisper to our hearts for no reason. Sometimes it just takes time for the dream to manifest. You know the owners of 5 Rock Ranch had the dream for 28 years before it came to fruition? And what a dream it is…far exceeding any expectation they had of it. I would find it sheer joy, if the whispers of my heart came to fruition in less than ten years. It would be eight years if I’m able to go on this next trip… but first…

Last year around this time, a flyer was inserted into our bulletin at church about a Medical Missions trip to Cambodia. The doors of my heart flew wide open! It was the first time in so many years that I felt like I was going. Like I was already there. Immediately, I knew there was something about Cambodia. This was it! It had to be it! The feeling of elation was nothing I could hide or stuff down. I was a happy camper! However, as time passed, circumstances and the doors of my heart started to close a bit. At first I didn’t want to believe it. It kinda made me feel like perhaps I was a little loco…I am just an excitable person and I get bouncy very easily. Maybe I was just excited to see the bulletin and it really didn’t have anything to do with me. That what I heard wasn’t really true. Because we can conjur up our own stories and make certain realities real…if we try hard enough. I’ve done that enough in my life to know full well my ability to press on things only to have them explode inside my hand or in my face. But in no time, I was given a peace that it is real…just not this trip. Perhaps the next trip.

The next trip is upon us. January 8-17, 2010. Seems like a long ways off, but there’s a lot to be prepared between now and then. I felt a whisper in my spirit this morning before service about the trip, before I even opened my bulletin. YES! There it was. Could this trip be the one? I won’t get so excitable about it this time until confirmations start arriving and funding begins to manifest. If it is truly His will, it will all happen in an orderly yet miraculous way.

Why would I get so excited about a short term Missions trip? Well, you see…I believe a short term trip will only be the beginning. I have a heart to BE a Missionary. Living off the grid with the least of these. There are little nuggets that I feel God has planted in my spirit along the way that point in that direction. However…I will be sure to wait on His timing. I also feel that my daughter will be in Missions work. I could have to wait until she’s older and I join her for the journey. Who knows. But for now, the anticipation for what is to possibly come is exciting.

A letter will follow shortly that has more information about the trip and my possible involvement.

I’m Fine, Thanks

I don’t have a poker face. And I can’t seem to lie, even a little bitty white one, if someone asks me how I’m doing. Today I was asked how I was doing. I said I’m okay. He said, okay? Just okay? Don’t you know how blessed you are? Look at all this beauty and wonder around you! You have a beautiful daughter and a great house and the Lord’s provision abundantly! (Or something to that affect) So I started to wonder…really…why do we ask each other how we are doing if we don’t want to hear the truth? Or don’t have the time to hear it. Or are too busy to hear it. The fact that I’m just okay and not FABULOUS today is not a life sentence and it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate and respect all that I DO have. I am entitled to having a day of refinement in which I do not feel on top of the world, right? But really…without trying to get all deep and everything, I just wonder…how do we respond in total and absolute honesty when someone asks us that question? If I say I’m great, then they know I’m lying. Cuz its written all over my face and countenance. I can’t hide the burdens I carry. Don’t think I want to even try. I reckon I could just say…I’m processing…check back in an hour or two. :O)

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there!

For those who do not have Dad’s, know that there IS a Father out there who is seeking you out right now. He wants to be your Father. He is the Father to the Fatherless. (Psalm 68:5)

And for those who are not yet Father’s, there are plenty around who could use a Father figure. Seek them out. Not only will you be blessed, but so will they. Please visit the Mentoring Project for more information or look into other mentoring programs in your area.

Somewhere along life’s journey, I lost my voice

Not the laryngitis variety.

There’s a little bitty girl inside of me that feels about 5 or 6 years old. A while back I talked about the broken part of me…the part that is completely contrary to the ‘wisdom’ side of me. That when the broken part appears, I feel all kinds of yuck. Stupid. Insignificant. Afraid. REALLY afraid. Worthless. Alone. Vulnerable. I’ve been able to articulate a bit more what these feelings are; to feel them, really.

To back up just a teensie bit, it’s interesting that the things we scream for and fervently seek after are prayer to God’s ears even if not worded as a prayer, specifically. And prayers are always answered. Because it wasn’t long after I posted that blog that I found her. I was searching for the lost inner girl and in one of my long sessions at the ranch (only a three hour one that time), I found her. A prayer was answered. Yes, she is part of me. She IS me. She’s not set aside or apart from me. She’s just been hiding. Stifled. Suppressed. Stuffed into a box only to be found 30 years after she was lost.

I don’t know what happened when she was 5 or 6. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I don’t know why she is there. (At some point I’ll stop talking about her in third person) The details are irrelevant now. What is relevant now is how to bring her back to life. One of the giant boulders that was moved during my last five hour session is that I lost my voice. She is barely able to speak. When she speaks, she ALWAYS cries. And it is a very deep and painful place that I don’t understand. But as time passes, I will grow to know and understand her better. When I’m talking and I am able to tap into her, even if only for a moment, I feel myself switch back and forth. She peeks out, but I stuff her back in. Protection. In a very real sense, I suddenly understand with full comprehension the life of multi-personalitied individuals. I’m not saying I have a multiple personality. But I understand how the defense mechanism of shock can suppress a part of who we are into complete withdrawal. It’s an interesting place to be. I don’t feel it necessary to do a bunch of research into multiple personalities or anything like that. I came from pain. That’s all the information I need to know. And childhood pain does a great deal of protective maneuvering in order to survive. It’s amazing to me how our spirits can still live and come to thrive even in the midst of extreme turmoil. A total miracle, if you ask me. The determination of our spirits to LIVE…to keep living even in spite of difficult circumstance. Amazing.

Anyway…One of the things I’ve discovered in finding her and realizing that she can hardly speak, is that she was shut up. She was not heard. Her thoughts/feelings/opinions and heart did not matter. They were irrelevant. To this day, I do not feel as though I can speak out anything that matters to me deeply. The voice is there inside my heart, but she cannot speak. She is mute. Oh, I can chatter endlessly sometimes and I’m a bit wordy when I’m typing and I really have a lot to say. It seems a bit contrary to what I’m talking about. But I learned how to chatter AROUND subjects and the things that are important to me. I convince myself and others that I’m not hurt. That it doesn’t matter. That I need to compromise. That its all okay. This is just the way life is. I’ve intellectualized and compartmentalized my life in such a way that hurts get packaged up and stored deep within, never to be opened up and looked at. Out of sight, out of mind. I don’t need to bother anybody with my high maintenance needs. I don’t want to nag or bother anyone. Its okay. I’ll just step back into the shadows.

I’ve also realized that during that time of childhood, if I did have a feeling, that it caused harm to others. I had to bear the burden of responsibility for others’ pain. I’m a very empathetic person. I feel their pain. But in feeling a lot of others’ pain, I don’t allow myself to feel my own. Empathy is good. It is important. But empathy by guilt is not. When I have to make difficult decisions that involve another, it pretty much sends me over the edge. It is a crisis of oober proportions every time. I’m so concerned about killing them (not really, but that’s what it feels like) that I am consumed with guilt and worthlessness that I can’t stand it. Then I run away. Because if I run away, then I don’t have to see them. Or hear them. Or acknowledge the fact that I hurt them. Its all my fault. I’m a horrible person. Looking at it from the outside in now…that really stinks. The heaviness of that is unbearable.

This guilt of bothering others expands to every aspect of my life. So much so that I’ve become isolated. I have a couple of friends. I hold everyone at arms length. Because if I hold them any closer, then I will hurt them. I used to think it was abandonment, but now that I’m hashing it out with words, I realize that its not about being left…but about being responsible for someone else’s livlihood and feelings. I think I’d rather be abandoned. Well…I suppose placing responsibility this heavy on a child is or would be considered abandonment…because its abandoning the carefree innocence, wonder and curiosity that should thrive when we are young.

Because of the guilt, though, I don’t ask for anything. I go with the flow about everything. Ebbing and flowing with the waves of life as they are handed to me. I’ve given up on dreams because everything I pursue gets smashed. I have one dream now that I believe in…but secretly I have my doubts about it ever coming to fruition because its too much of a bother for God to allow me that dream. That dream is missions. Oh, I also have the dream of being married again someday, but that’s really secondary. I want to be a missionary. I want to be used for the purpose and glory of God. But who am I to do something so big and important? Who am I but this little bitty girl who is curled up into the fetal position, so scared to speak her heart? How can I speak the heart of God, if my heart is locked in chains?

I recognize the work that must be done for her to come out. Somehow, I’ve always had a seeking heart…I’m not afraid of doing the hard stuff. I’m not afraid of doing anything in this world. I just need to understand certain things before I can press forward. I used to operate out of sheer ignorance and I learned quickly by the skool of hard knocks what works and what doesn’t. I think I’m done with the hard knocks, but now it is seeking out the innermost places that hold my greatest treasures. Treasure Hunting. :O) This is good.

Yesterday I gave it a whirl for the first time. Exercising what it is that I need to do, and that is learning how to speak. One of my best girlfriends and I had lunch together yesterday. I was sharing with her my latest discovery and that I hold her and everyone at arms length. But that there was something from long ago that did bother me with her and I wanted to share with her about it. I stuttered and stammerd and eventually got out the thing that was bothering me. It was simple. Trivial. I didn’t cry because it was not a fresh circumstance, but it was painful all the same. I was able to communicate it but not without trying to justify myself out of my feeling. I felt horrible. Awful. Frustrating! And maddening that I was so suppressed for so long! This is not going to be an easy job! But necessary. I will NEVER be able to have a successfully FULLfilling relationship with anyone if I’m not able to open up my heart and allow them in, and a little bit of me, out. All the stuff I learned so long ago was a huge LIE! I AM worth hearing! My feelings DO matter! I DO have a right to voice my thoughts/opinions/concerns that are relevant to my heart. So the fighting and knashing of breaking free of the old way of understanding is not going to be an easy process. But I can see it now! And that is so amazing. Freedom will come. And strength will rise.

Healing Happens…when I’m sitting still

I’ve been visiting 5 Rock Ranch a lot this Spring. It’s a haven for Single Mamas. The owners of the ranch have had a burden/calling for single mamas for 30 years or something like that with the dream of a ranch for 28 years before it was finally manifest a few years ago. 108 acres of gloriousness tucked back into the sticks. There’s a river that runs right next to and behind the giant lodge where we all meet and mingle and share meals, stories, and our hearts together. Games, movies, books, a cafe, piano, giant fire place, and Lazy Boy loungers everywhere. Peace, quite, tranquility or a whole lot of socializing. It’s a world of extremes. Healing takes place here. God is here.

I just spent 4 1/2 days out there. It was cut short a day because I had to take my babe to the doctor. Again. Staff infection this time. Little punkin’ has seen the doc too many times this month! (Three times for those who wonder…) Anyway…while contemplating life and the complexities therein (because the ranch gives one lots of time to contemplate between activities) I honestly struggled a little bit this time, wondering why I’m out there. It was my longest stay so far, so I did have quite a bit more time for my mind to chase its tail.

We single mamas learn to relish the ‘meetings’ we have with a particular mentor or two there, because mountains are moved. Things unknown because they’ve been buried for so long, are unearthed; revealed. There are no time constraints on the excavation process. When we meet, we meet until we’re done talking. My last meeting was five hours. You know how many weeks it would take to work through that in a series of 50 minute hours? Its fantastic. The time devoted to our heart’s needs is nothing less than extraordinary.

It kinda sets a standard; a bar, so to speak, about the healing and growing process. When freedom is found on the other side of those 5 hour mountain moving experiences, its very difficult not to want more. A LOT MORE. And quickly Because freedom feels GOOD! Excavation sometimes is a bit painful…kinda like a backho scraping a giant rock (nails on a chalkboard). But when the boulder is moved…WOW. And so, between meetings, the brain re-engages and wants to work through everything! And the anticipation for the next meeting becomes a little anxiety ridden.

This particular time frame of 5 days I had two short visits equaling a little over an hour. It touched a nerve and the nerve was tended to. But the rest of the time I did not have a meeting and my brain started to swim a bit. Because that’s what it does. It never stops, really. But while mingling with all the activities there I can get lost in the process and I forget how to just be.

It isn’t until I drive off the property that I realize what was moved. A lot was moved. It will probably take me a good week to process what was moved. Maybe I didn’t move a mountain this time, but a lot of earth was redirected. It occurs to me that we don’t always have to be on top of every healing and life changing thing to accept and appreciate the wonder within it. We don’t have to be given directions. An appointment. A meeting. Pieces and parts of new things and perspectives learned find their way into the puzzle and the picture becomes clearer one little piece at a time. Sometimes freedom is gradual. But I’ve found that it takes deliberate down time in order to see it. To find it. Busyness clouds perspective.

I have a difficult time living in the city because of this. Even if I’m sitting still, life zips and swirls by me so quickly I can’t stand it. I can’t think. I can’t breath. I live a mile from the grocery store and I have to sit in traffic to get there. I was born and raised in a very small town. Smallville is in my blood. I must find my way back there someday. Simple. There’s value in simplicity. Life is complicated. And we keep adding more and more and more to pollute and complicate it even further. Less is more. And healing happens when I’m sitting still. And so the ranch will get quite comfortable with my face because it is there that I find and will find more of who I am.

My Tiny Tornado

We’ve been up for two hours now…and my house is destroyed. Some days…is all I can do to keep my sanity in tact. She is the busiest, craziest, most curious, messy little cherub I have ever met. Course she’s the only one I’ve ever lived with, too. But today…in less than two hours, she has spilled water all over the kitchen and then overflowed the kitchen sink. Flooded the bathroom floor, spilled the jar of hair ties and pretties all over the floor. Filled the jar up with water. Spilled that. Got soap all over the counter and sink. Fell off her stool twice. Unravelled half of a 2000 square toilet paper roll onto the bathroom floor. Dumped out an entire container of q-tips onto my bed (under the covers). They were ‘hiding’. Now all those pretties that were on the bathroom floor are not scattered all over my bedroom floor. There’s lotion all over the mirror in my room. Her mega blocks have appeared all over the floor. I’m sure I’ve missed something. And the day has only just begun. I’m pretty sure this will be a ‘CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!’ day!

Drifting

Last weekend I went on a Retreat to the beach. This is my fifth year going and something profound always takes place there, although I don’t ever realize it until afterwards. It’s like there’s an intensive intake and it takes a week or so for it to relax and reveal all the goodness contained there. I was overwhelmed while I was there by so much good stuff. But what was the most moving for me was the beach.

The ocean moves me. Always. There’s no question about that. It’s confirmation to me that there is something so much larger than me in control. When the tide comes in, I must move or it will take me with it. There’s no messin’ around. It just is. Water always comforts me, as well, but this time I couldn’t see much of the water. There was a giant foggy cloud that hovered over the water that pretty much concealed the ocean for the entire weekend. There was one small break where I could see a faint shadow of the water, but it was not clear. Althought I couldn’t see it, I could hear it and know that it was still there. Kinda like God sometimes…He always is there, whether we feel or see Him or not.

At this particular beach, I was inspired by the scenery on the shore. Every year the scenery is different. It changes constantly. This year it was full of driftwood. Big driftwood. Little driftwood. All kinds of driftwood. I love driftwood for some reason, but it brought to mind the driftiness of who we are. God picks us up and moves us at His will whenever and wherever He wants in order to fulfill the purpose He has for us. It looks as though this driftwood on this particular beach has been here for all time, but having collected four previous years’ pictures of it, I know this is not true. At any given time, a glimpse of what is, may seem as though it always was. But next year at this time, everything will be different. Nothing stays the same. All this driftwood will be lifted up, taken back out to sea, and deposited on another beach for another place and time. Some may stay afloat for a long time before landing. For now, it was deposited on this beach for me to find comfort in His movement. That not matter where He plants me, it will appear permanent and comfortable. Until He finds it necessary to move on.

I’m feel as though I’m on the cusp of a large movement in my life. I have no idea what it is about, but I feel it coming. Like the swell of a wave, the anticipation grows and swells and lifts…until the crest is reached and the wave breaks…there’s a breakthrough…and then it evens out. Until the next wave. I sit and wonder where I will land when this wave crashes to the shore. Just as it is impossible to catch the wind or redirect the ocean, I must wait and ride it out, until He places me where He wants me. I’m sure there are things that will be left behind. Some things found anew. Discovered. Rediscovered. Growth. Death. Happiness. Sadness. Trepidation. Gladness. Doubt. Concern. Peace. Joy. I have an inner peace within me today that knows that no matter what He has in store or where He takes me, that no matter what decisions I will have to make or things left behind…He will always be.

It brings to mind the following scripture that we discussed at church this morning…

A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Entitlement

[Enter...quasi stream of consciousness that leads to subject of Entitlement.] :O)

“One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy.” ~ Elisabeth Elliott ~

Particularly as a Single Mama, I feel a bit harried…and hurried. Too much falling onto my plate at one time. Only two very small arms to juggle the enormous responsibilities that befall this particular circumstance of life. I am slowly but surely learning how to simply EXIST, right now. When I do, I find that my needs are always met with exactly what I need.

I very easily spin out on what is happening tomorrow and the next day and the next day and next month, blah blah blah. This past week has been a bit congested and this week is the same. I’m feeling overwhelmed and burdened by what still lies ahead. Today a rather LARGE unexpected thing happened that stretched me and I’m currently trying to unravel my guts from the experience. In the past I might have received it as a big huge waste of time or bitterness or beat myself up for not knowing better or a bucket full of other reasons. I’m already feeling a bit challenged, I don’t need another thing to complicate it. But today…I am taking the time to breath and allow the opportunity of what happened to settle in, so that I may learn a little bit about myself and about others. I will explain it in a moment, but only when I am able to be still and allow the moments to pass will clarity find its way.

I live very near my church office and our Singles Pastor is also our Bereavement Pastor. He receives a great many calls from individuals who are in need of every possible kind. In Christian ministry, it is our God given joyful responsibility to serve one another. This doesn’t mean only the pretty ones. This means EVERYONE who has a need and seeks for assistance. It is a selfless, graceful, giving, experience to not only share the joy of Christ, but to assist with tangible needs. We like to fill not only their external needs, but minister to their hearts as well. This is not a shove it down your neck kind of approach. It’s not conditional…in order to receive xyz tangible need, you must listen to our sermon. No. Its not like that at all. Its not the way Jesus operated. An example: If someone needs a place to stay, we offer them a host family instead of a hotel, so they may find themselves in positive relationship with someone over a warm meal. The love of Christ naturally surrounds without saying a word. And hopefully the joy that exudes our being will be felt and received by those we are helping. So their hearts are tended to as well as their physical needs.

There are limitations to ministry when certain individuals ask for assistance and it is heart breaking and gut wrenching to have to turn some away. I have become a host to certain individuals who are in need of a place to stay. Today I had the opportunity to host a single gal. I prayed for discernment and was covered by my Pastor, since Single Motherhood carries with it certain vulnerabilities that have to be taken into consideration. I met her for coffee and my first instinct was good, but in less than an hour’s time, I felt a significant reservation in my spirit about allowing her to stay with us. I didn’t sense a direct threat for our safety, but that there were a lot of things hidden. The more she spoke, the more her story contradicted itself. I was becoming increasingly more discomforted as the day wore on. I brought her to my pastor so that he could meet her personally and offer her any additional resources that she may need. After their discussion, he let me know the deal was done and I was to return her back to the place where I picked her up. My guts turned inside out during the car ride back to the hotel where I picked her up. Learning that my discerning spirit is accurate is one challenge for me. Its a discomfort that I often times feel like I need to crawl out of my skin to avoid. I don’t always know the reason why I feel so bad. But I do know that something is off. The second challenge is my empathetic spirit. The one that feels the pain and agony of another and what they must be going through in such a time of need. And then the guilt that follows by not being able to help them in the way that they need.

There are certain things that become deal breakers for ministry to completely manifest that individuals cause for themselves. It becomes careless and irresponsible to fulfill certain things they need if there is some threat involved. There were certain things that this gal spoke to my pastor that raised this red flag for him that caused him to turn her away. I’m having growing pains as a part of this process. The naive me would have disregarded the reservations I felt and allowed her to stay. This could have placed my daughter and me in a potentially dangerous and/or unhealthy situation. It is so important to have accountability and covering when making important decisions. Christian ministry is about service, but not without responsibility. There is a world of individuals that feel an entitlement to assistance without responsibility and become enraged or embittered when they don’t get their way. This is a dangerous combination. Particularly for a very kind, nice, naive, trusting individual like myself. I trust everyone until they give me a reason otherwise. My discerning spirit is getting tuned in to counteract this naivete and is not easy. Unravelling an untruth that I have learned as truth is a painful process. It is NEVER a requirement or obligation of ours as servants of Christ to compromise ourselves for the betterment or service of others. I learned somehow growing up that I DID have to compromise myself for others… that my decisions and actions were the cause or problem of others’ reactions and feelings; I was the cause of their misery. To withdraw myself from that mindset… is like swimming upstream in a river of razor blades. But its a lie. Their cuts and wounds are theirs. Not mine. And it is not my responsibility either personally or in ministry to compromise myself…even as a servant of Jesus. He granted the humble and faithful their wishes. But those who demanded something of him were held accountable to their own actions.

Unravelling the twists and turns is an exercise for sure. Good exercise. But there’s no gain, where there’s no pain.