I’m almost back. :o)

I just created a new page, 100 Things about me. See the tab at the top of the page.

See you all again soon! :o)

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Feeling a pinch better today; a bit more energy. I’ve been so exhausted. My head has been cloudy. Life blurry. Sluggin’ along one day at a time. I’ve lost all concept of days and time and when things happened. The past three months has been a bit crazy. I think the pain medication I was on for all my physical ails has erased part of my brain and sucked the life right out of me. But I’m hoping and praying for a turn around soon. Very soon.

I miss blogging. I haven’t written anything down for quite some time. Even if its mumbo jumbo, I think I should probably just keep doing it. It might help to clear my head. A Christian friend of mine has given me a couple words from the Lord in the past week or so and its so encouraging. One is that He is the healer…He will heal me. The other is that He has something sweet for me…that I should keep holding on… This could mean so many things…it could mean a giant piece of chocolate. ;) But no matter what it is, I’m encouraged all the same; that even though I’m feeling very VERY disconnected, that He is still there, holding me, sustaining me, and filling in the gaps that I am not able (He just hasn’t manifest blog postings for me while I’ve been a bit absent).

I have a phone screen today for a job at the company I was laid off from in January. I’m excited about this because if you happen to be among the unemployed with me, you know how dismal the job market is. I happen to live in Oregon with I think the highest unemployment rate at 12.2% the last I saw. Almost 300,000 people vying for jobs. The past few jobs I’ve posted to have received almost 500 applicants. I can’t imagine being the one who has to sort through those. It totally has to be favor from God to be seen. Knowing people helps…but its not a guarantee. The job I was laid off from was re-opened, but I was not selected for the position…a former admin of his was selected. That’s okay. Perhaps it wouldn’t be the same as it was before. Perhaps there’s something better out there for me. I’ll continue to wait patiently.

While I wait, though, I’m a little bit conflicted. I love being home with my daughter. This is what I wanted…to be a stay at home mom and so far, its been good. Tight sometimes, but all my bills continue to be paid. But while I love it so much, it also drives me batty. Spending all day with toddler-speak and repeating myself 100 times a day and being the only one to discipline without any breaks gets very tiring. On top of being exhausted, I’m REALLY exhausted from being the everything to the most important person in my world. If I go back to work then I will miss her terribly…and miss out on 10 hours of a day with her. While she is only 2 1/2, it is time for her to start learning on a more accelerated rate, though, or at least start a more structured learning environment and this helps me a little bit. She’s a SMART little cookie, and I’m not just a proud mama boasting. We were at the hospital the other day and a few people asked how old she was, expecting me to say close to four. When I say 2 1/2 they had to pick their jaws up off the floor. She speaks like no 2 1/2 year old I’ve ever known, and her ability to understand and communicate is really advanced. Of course she has her 2 year old moments, but she saves those for the privacy of our own home, which I’m delighted about. :o)

Anyways…I’m happy that as much as I feel like I fail at so many things being a single handed juggler, that she is a very sweet temrpemented babe and she is such a delight. I can’t be all bad if she’s so sweet, right?

I think that’s all I can muster for now… the A.D.D. has kicked in and I forgot what else I was going to write. So I’ll sign off for now. :o)

P.S. The picture is not of my babe. Its just a random pic I plucked off Google. ;o)

Rawkin’ it

I’ve started a new blog about a new venture I’m launching myself into. Please visit here for details. :o)

And…I will get back to this blog shortly. Promise. :D

80’s Monster Ballad Flashback

I’m having a flashback…and need to post some of my favorite 80’s hair rock songs! It’s interesting for me to listen to these from a different perspective after 20 years. I recall feeling so heart sick after so many of them back in the day, but now…even in hair rock, I see God. :) I see the broken spirit of so many who are desperately reaching and seeking to understand the giant pit in their soul. The pit in my soul has been satisfied by learning and understanding who I am…in Christ. God IS Love, and He alone satisfies the deepest desires of my heart. There’s so much hope in Tesla’s ‘Love Song’ because Love IS all around. :) It’s knocking outside each of our door just waiting for us to let it in.

I could keep posting…my list of favorite 80’s rock is endless…but I’m feeling satisfied that I’ve sufficiently gotten my 80s fix with these. heehee :)

Lookie! New picture! :)

My best friend Marnie took this along with a smattering of others…had such a great time being on the other side of the camera!

Will return soon! I’m really behind on photo editing. Good news is that I’ve had quite a few photo shoots, myself recently! My physical ails have slowed down the editing process a bit. Along with a whole lotta everything else in my world!

Just another manic…Wednesday

I’m so overloaded. I do not want to give vent to my frustrations, but I know there is a certain element of healthy to being able to do so. Sharing our burdens, so to speak. What’s the difference between whining/complaining and sharing burdens? Perhaps a study for me to look into. Nobody wants to listen to a whiner. Maybe those who whine are those that just vent but never do anything to resolve anything of their circumstances. Those who share the burden are just…airing it out, all the while doing everything they can to make the best of whatever the circumstances may be. I don’t know. I’m thinking outloud. I just don’t want to be a whiner/complainer.

I am so desperately in need of down time away from my darling tot. I. Can’t. Breathe. There are several things going on… She has MRSA (resistent and contagious form of staff infection). I have it also, but a toddler has less ability to control the environment she is in, in order not to spread it. Because of this, our regular child care provider (when I’m working, but who takes her from time to time for a few hours a week) will not take her for risk of infecting the other children. I get that and completely understand it. MRSA is becoming very wide spread. Its more common than not common nowadays. But still a risk that others should be conscientious of. Because I can’t count on her to watch the babe for a few hours, I only have one other option for a babysitter, which is pretty limited since most people work during the day and/or will be going back to school soon. The next problem is that I can’t afford to pay a babysitter. For now those that have helped me, have allowed me their services for free. SO crazy blessed by that! But when those resources go away…I got nothin’! I just remembered, I do have another friend I could ask at least on Mondays…and this is just me whining, but it stinks to have to ask for everything sometimes… Anyways…

I’ve also been getting a lot of calls for photoshoots. I’m stacked up pretty good right now and that is so great! Which means that I have a lot of editing to do. And I don’t have the time to do so because I don’t have a babysitter. And even though I’m making a little bit of money from my shoots, its not enough to pay a babysitter on a regular basis. And perhaps I’m being a little bit too picky…but I won’t just take her anywhere or allow anybody to watch her. I have standards. And with those standards comes a price…which I’m unfortunately unable to pay for. I’m contemplating my options.

And then…I’m officially in a relationship now. I feel weird on so many levels talking about it. I reckon in time that weirdness will work itself out, too. But anyways, I was talking to a friend acquiantance I haven’t seen for a while the other day and she asked about it and how it was going. I said it wasn’t easy. She was relieved to hear me say that because she doesn’t know how those that make it look so easy, do it. I told her if they make it look easy, its a ticking time bomb because once you get to a certain stage of adulthood, there ain’t nothing EASY about any of it. If it is easy, you’re kidding yourself. That sounds pretty harsh, I suppose… What makes it difficult for me/us is that there are kids involved. Kids who have their own feelings and emotions to navigate as a result of our coupling. And so little time for we adults to talk about anything. Sometimes, I just want to have some adult conversation. That doesn’t involve kids. But that’s not my reality. I have a toddler in tow 24/7 and he has his kids in tow most of the time. Sometimes…I just don’t want to be an ADULT. I just want to be carefree again.

What I’m really needing is a vacation.

I was talking to someone the other day that encouraged me and told me that I’m handling things so well considering the difficulty of my circumstances. I so appreciated that because today/this week, I don’t feel like I’m handling things well, at all. I’m glad it looks that way on the outside because on the inside of me feels like the guts and carnage of an emotional train wreck. I feel like a horrible mother because I’m short tempered with my sweet baby. I pray so much that I don’t end up bruising her little spirit. The other day I told her that I’m sorry that I’m so irritable. She said that it makes her sad. I said that I know and that I’m really sorry that it makes her sad. She then said that it was okay. She’s 2 1/2. That was a pretty profound conversation. I’m sure I’ll have to say I’m sorry a lot. Perhaps one day she’ll say its okay…she understands that I did the best I could being everything and everyone to her…and she loves me anyway. I know I’m not going to ruin her, but sometimes I feel so completely inadequate to raise her properly, and without destroying her heart. That’s the enemy speaking, though. I’ve got the power of God behind me and He is and will continue to take care of everything that I fall short of. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Losing Time

I started to post this on August 8th…
I have lost track of my days. I’m barely conscious of what day it is. I think…it is Saturday. I think. I was supposed to drive back from my trip to MT today, but ended up driving back a couple days ago (Thursday, I think) because I thought I had an infection in one of my incisions. Turns out my body doesn’t like the internal stitches and is trying to spit them out. Its not horrible, but its not pleasant. I have another appointment Tuesday for post-op.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I’ve been okay not working. Bills are getting paid. Love spending time with my daughter. But I’m feeling very restless. I cannot seem to create any routine or structure in my life and I’m the kind of person that needs someone to help me create some form of structure. I like spontenaity and going with the flow. Like having all the time in the world to do what I want, but somehow…with all the free time I have, I lack motivation to actually DO something. When I was without a little miss, I was able to do it. Now that I have her, everything takes longer and I’ve not been able to focus on any one thing for longer than 2.5 minutes. Maybe that’s it. I just need to have enough time to focus. On something. On ANYTHING. And I can’t do that right now with a 2 1/2 year old in tow 24/7. Its amazing the brain capacity that goes by the wayside when unable to focus.

I’m pretty brained out today. It seems to be the status quo for the past…6 months. Which actually confirms the previous paragraph…It has been 6 months since I got laid off. Ready to engage my brain again.

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Re-start – August, holy cow, is it the 25th already?!

Its been a crazy month…month and a half, I guess, now that I look at the calendar!

July 10th, I pulled two ribs out. Two days later I was in so much back spasm pain I was delirious. Took myself into the ER for the first time in my 35 + years. I mean…29 years. ;O) Got me some muscle relaxers and pain meds so I could function even the littlest amount. Ribs went back in on a Thursday and I had to go in for surgery on my appendix on Saturday. Or was that Sunday? (July 19) ‘Nother ER visit. Two in a week. I lost a week completely in there with pain meds. They erase my brain. I had a week scheduled to go home to MT to see my family the first week in Aug. I made it there, but had to come back early. Got an infection in my incision. Thought at first that it was my body rejecting stitches. Nope. Good ol’ infection. A week later I got an abcess. If you’ve never had an abcess…I highly recommend NOT having one. EVER. I actually shot a wedding on Saturday, Aug 15, with an abcess (in case anyone wonders…quite possibly the worst pain EVER)…I don’t recommend that. My body has not fully recovered from the surgery and infection and the day was very long. But the abcess won and I had to go back into the ER that evening/next morning. Wave after wave after wave… and I’m not quite finished yet. The ER procedure was not handled properly and I should have gone in for surgical removal because of the risk of further infection (because I contracted MRSA while in the hospital the first time). I’m on antibiotics, but there’s a chance that it will return, in which case I will be admitted for surgery. My body feels like its been beat to a pulp. My back has not recovered at all because I’ve had to favor my owies…my muscles are a complete wreck. I hope to find some resolution to that soon. Need a job for insurance so its done properly and with adequate massage therapy to relax the muscles where they should be.

My emotions and brain have been through the ringer, but this is the first time my physical body has been through it. I don’t recommend it. I’m pretty tired. Still. Coming back to life, but its not easy being a single parent whilst all this is going on. I’ve had fantastic help and prayer support along the way and I’m so grateful. Between ER visits and pain meds, I still gotta be functional for the tot. The thing about physical pain is that emotionally and spiritually one suffers, as well. Someone can just be emotional or just have spiritual agony…but physical pain grabs them all and throws you down.

I have a ton to write about. Thought about lumping it all into one post, but I’ll pace myself. I’ll pace my readers…:O) So’s y’all don’t get bored or overwhelmed with so many words in one sitting!

And…I can’t seem to get google to come to life…so this post will be without a picture.

I’m still here!

I’ve lost a good month of my world, but I’m slowly coming back to reality. I’ll be posting soon to update on what’s been going on in my corner of the blogosphere.

See you soon! :O)

It is HOT!

So…it is 107 degrees in Portland at the moment. Oregon. I’m pretty confident we set a new record. This week has been in the hundreds, climbing by a degree a day, it seems. And I don’t have air conditioning. I wonder how they survived this stuff in the olden days. I have a makeshift swamp cooler but my freezer won’t make ice fast enough to keep it really functional. My babe can’t understand why we can’t go outside to play…the heat off the asphalt of my driveway right in front of my front door, that the sun beats relentlessly onto is easily 120 degrees. I have to open my front door with a towel or something because it would be like putting my hand directly on a red hot burner; that is, when I find enough courage to go OUT the door in the first place. Good times! :O)

The community I live in does have a pool. I’m a bit hesitant to go again because the other day it was a bit salty tasting. You know how much body sweat it takes to salty up a chlorinated pool? Clearly not equipped for such weather extremes here, but everybody and their sister is trying to find some morsel of relief. I think I will venture out there when the babe wakes up from her nap. Just cuz I’m tired of being cooped today. Its either that or go hang out in the refrigerator section at the grocery store. :O)

I actually don’t mind the sun. The heat. I’m crazy, yes. But I look on glass half full side…this IS only temporary and it sure does feel good not to be soggy! It seems like we Oregonians are a buncha whiners. It rains ALL THE TIME. But when its not raining, then its too hot. Or too cold. This year has been freakishly abnormal. Spring is a pretty guaranteed water log season. It rains more than it doesn’t. This Spring, however…I think it rained a total of a week. And the sun has been gloriously shining on most days since then. Some overcast days, but all dry. Very nice. Most Summers I feel quite robbed by the time the season is over. This year, I am very happy to say that I’ve gotten my adequate fill of the season. :O) For the first time ever, I think, I look forward to Fall.

Single Parent Prayers

Lord, grant me

Time enough

to do all the chores, join in the games, help with the lessons, and say the night prayers, and still have a few moments left over for me.

Energy enough

to be bread-baker and breadwinner, knee-patcher and peacemaker, ballplayer and bill juggler.

Hands enough

to wipe away the tears, to reach out when I’m needed, to hug and to hold, to tickle and touch.

Heart enough

to share and to care, to listen and to understand, and to make a loving home for my family.

Author Unknown

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I know that, God, You’ve not ordained
a family to be led by one,
but there’s no way to change the past
or undo what has been done.

And so, dear Lord, I come today
for Strength and Guidance too,
as I am a Single Parent
and must depend solely on You!

I can’t depend upon myself because
alone I cannot stand.
I need You standing by my side,
holding onto my hand.

Oh, cover me, dear Jesus,
with Meekness lest I see
old wounds of bitterness and pride
reestablished deep in me.

I’ve already asked forgiveness
for what’s transpired in the past,
but I need constant Reassurance
that I’m in Your will at last.

When I face ugly disappointments,
let me draw on Your vast supply
of Wisdom and of Knowledge
so I’ll do more than “just get by.” 

A double-dose of Courage will
help me stand up to Responsibility
so I’ll be a better parent,
equipped with Stability.

Although my schedule’s very hectic
with so much more to do,
teach me to be a Spiritual Leader
as I daily lean on You.

Please help me to develop the skills
my child needs to observe in me,
so that I can mend that tender heart
and have Peace within my family.

Then help me squeeze in Quality Time
to enjoy watching my child grow…
time to create Lasting Memories
that come when Love and Happiness flow.

I promise, Lord, to follow You
even when days seem too long or drear.
So help me hold tight to Your hand
and eradicate my fear.

When I’m feeling desperate or lonely,
give me Hope and Grace to see
that I never have been all alone…
for You’ve been right there with me!
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Lord, the Bible tells me that you are a “God of the fatherless and of the widow.” While I am not a widow, I am a single parent. It comforts me that you take special note of my station in life and the challenges I face. You know the limitations I have and the difficulties I am faced with. Be my guardian and protector. Provide me with my daily bread. Open doors for me so I will be able to find meaningful and gainful employment. Watch over my child when I am not able to be with her. Soothe me when I am troubled. Take the burdens of my heart and make them your own. Give me rest from my fears. Help me to take time to read your word a few minutes every day. Help me also to stay grounded in a good church home where your word is taught in its truth and purity. Support me and let your holy angels watch over us. I take refuge in your cross where you purchased the forgiveness of all of my sins. I trust in your unfailing love. Amen.

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Dear Jesus,

Please watch over me and my daughter and help me to do my very best for her. Since I am doing this alone, please be with me and guide me as I walk this unfamiliar path.

My hope and my dream was that I would have a partner to sustain me and share the gift of parenthood. Since that is not to be, at least for now, I rely upon you to send me the grace to parent alone. You are my strength and salvation. I know you will not abandon me.

Let my daughter feel my love as I feel yours when I call upon you for help. Be present to me as I teach her about you and be present to her as they learn. Inspire all the adults in her life with your spirit. Help us to cast our cares on you because you have promised us that you care for us. We ask this with unfailing trust in you.

Amen