There’s nothing like the rawness of losing someone in your life. I’ve never lost anybody REALLY close. Losing my cousin was the closest I’ve ever known. We were not really close because physical and age distance kept us from ever fully getting to know one another, but I loved her deeply all the same. She was a very sweet spirited girl that I always admired. The details of her passing were known by many, but not by all, so for us, it was like losing her in an instant. We had no time to prepare because we didn’t know she was not well.

My pastor and his family were in an accident on Sunday on the freeway that spun their vehicle out of control, rounding all corners as they hit the center median repeatedly and ended up facing traffic. Someone pulled over to help guard their vehicle from oncoming traffic, but because they were on a corner, cars did not see them quickly enough, and were launched against the other guard rail on the other side of the road in an effort to miss them.

My daughter and I were in an accident the day before Thanksgiving that involved full force slamming into another vehicle. Four vehicles were involved.

Life happens in a second. Life ends in a second. My pastor and his family were fortunate and were only rattled emotionally. My daughter and I are a little bruised, and rattled emotionally. It scares me to death to contemplate how quickly life can be taken from us. Now that I’m a mama, it scares me even more. I find comfort knowing that if something were to happen to my daughter, I would be horribly devastated, but I know she’d be in a good place. There’s nowhere else for babies to go…they are heaven on earth. But if something were to happen to me…do I know for sure where I will go? And will my daughter be taken care of?

As soon as I’m fully recovered from my accident, I’ll be taking care of some legal matters to ensure the livlihood of my daughter is maintained if anything were to happen to me. It occurs to me how much we take life for granted. We just go on making plans and expecting that life will continue tomorrow. But it might not! There are things that happen that are so unfair and so scary and so quick that recovery from the tailspin is all we can do. And we don’t always recover. But if we prepare in advance, it could minimize or at least make easier the recovery process.

What is important? I think about that in the scheme of things. My Dad and brother are not talking because of a financial squable. If something happened to them tommorow, in the next 5 minutes, anytime?! Would the squable really matter? Or will they hate themselves for having allowed it to divide them?

I’m not feeling very articulate today…still reeling a bit from the sound that will not soon enough leave my head…the sound that could have spelled serious injury or even death if it had happened any differently. In a second…how many lives were changed by that one second decision… I am so grateful that it was not any worse. But I am given the opportunity to take from it, and learn, and know that my life is a gift, that could be taken from me on any day. I feel a very deep sense of responsibility for the circumstances I created for others. Could I live with myself if I had hurt someone else seriously? Or caused a death? I don’t know. But I certainly don’t ever want to find out.

ALWAYS, always follow at least three seconds behind the person behind you. Because if you look back for a split second at your sweet toddler, its too late. (P.S. Both the babe and I are fine. Just bruised up and shook up a bit.)

Update on my cousin… I finally found out the information I needed and my heart is grieved on so many levels. My sweet cousin had cancer and for reasons that I will never fully know and I will choose to let rest, my family did not know about it. I knew she had some health concerns, but it was communicated as more of an annoyance than a serious health condition. If I understand correctly, she struggled for a couple of years before it took her. She did opt for natural remedies and the healing hand of God to decide rather than chemotherapy that may or may not have extended her life. God took her home when He had planned and I admire her strength and courage to make the decisions that she did. I am comforted knowing she’s in a better place now. I grieve for her parents, her husband, and her son.

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I had a really blonde day yesterday… I had to run some errands and while I was putting the babe into the truck, I realized…I still had my slippers on. heehee :o) And then later in the day, I went to the store and realized when I got to the store…I had my slippers on. I reckon there’s nothing wrong with running around town in slippers. My feet were happy. :o)

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I had a second interview this morning for a REALLY REALLY good job. I won’t say for whom at the moment so I don’t jinx it…but the anxious anticipation begins. I know that I’m up against two others and the latest I will know anything is by Monday. I REALLY want/need this job. If I get it, I will make between $13-20k more than I’ve ever made. Since Mama has to be two people, I’m thinking that will help significantly in the lack of two-income household status. I wonder if it would be okay to show up to work in slippers… :o)

With the whole slipper thing in mind, I am a little bit nervous re-engaging the brain. Not because I don’t want to but just like any kinda machine, it gets a little rusty without consistent use. I’ve been communicating on toddler level for almost a year and the brain pan is a little bit squeaky. I felt less than adequate in my ability to communicate intelligently during my interviews, but I reckon if I made it to a second interview, down to the top three of 180 applicants, my speech was not so much a concern to them. It is only to me. I reckon I faked it purty gud. ;o)

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I did have more to say today. But I’m a little bit keyed up. And I can’t think clearly. I have a photoshoot in a half hour, so I reckon I’ll update this later, if/when I de-escalate. :o)

I’m waiting for a phone call. Any phone call. I’ve never felt so unsettled about anything in my life! I received news yesterday that a cousin of mine has passed away, but nobody can get in touch with anybody to find out what happened! She and her husband and little fella who is a month older than my babe, live in Tennessee. I don’t know her husband’s family, but my Aunt and her family live in MT and their phone has been disconnected. All the information we have is what was left on an answering machine, with no return phone number.

It is unbelievable the turmoil that swims around in one’s mind when there’s missing information like this. My mind reaches to the farthest corner of every possible scenario. And I’m feeling the agony of a parent losing a child, a husband losing his wife, and a little bitty losing his mommy. I am grateful that the family is of believers and I find rest knowing she’s sitting at the right hand, in the Kingdom of heaven. But down here, I am struggling with the seeming unfairness of a girl taken far too soon. She just turned 25 in September.

If you are a praying folk, would you please keep my family in your prayers?

I joined the Navy in ‘94 when I was 20. It wasn’t because I had any despeate desire to defend our country. I didn’t really understand what it all meant, really. I was pretty naive. Innocent. I was going to a community college and was at the point of transferring to a university when I froze up and dropped out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was transferred; when I grew up. I always had a curiosity about the military. My Dad was in the Navy. I thought if I wasn’t going to school, that I should do SOMETHING productive. So I joined.

Boot camp taught me a great deal about teamwork and integrity. The physical toil was not a abig deal. I had grand visions of obstacle courses but was disappointed that most of what we did was run and do push ups. I did a lot of push-ups.

I remember a time when one of my peer soon-to-be-sailors was getting cycled (exercised to near death) for disciplinary action. Its difficult to watch someone being called out like that. So I joined her while she cycled. And so did the rest of the company. We all sweated and cried until we couldn’t take it any more. The burden carried alone is overwhelming, but carried by many is lighter. (Gal 6:2 Carry each others burdens…)

I recall the Company Commander (CC) smiling at us as we all hit the floor together. Teamwork. Nobody should ever have to carry their burdens alone, no matter what it is.

I mentioned having to do push-ups a lot. I didn’t have a lot of self-control around certain things. Not because I was purposely disobedient but sometimes things are done purely out of habit without even thinking about it. I’m sure we’ve all griped about slow traffic around a tiny fender bender because everyone HAS to rubberneck and see what its all about. Yet its exactly what we do! Our curiosity gets the best of us and like a force outside our control, cranes our neck to see what has caused the hold up. It really doesn’t do anybody any good and we gain nothing by having witnessed the oops. Sometimes others run into others while they’re trying to look at the other fender bender. All of our choices effect others whether we believe them to or not. (1 Cor 12:26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it.)

We were standing in ranks one day and someone behind me was out of alignment for something and was dropped to push ups. By complete instinct and habit, I turned my head. I looked back. I was caught. I was dropped to push ups. That time, more push ups than ever. (Luke 6:40 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?)

I think about how much trouble we bring to ourselves and others when we look at the failings of others. We all fall short. We all feel the consequences of our choices. We don’t need people looking at or down upon us. It only adds more weight to the burden. We may as well join them in their disobedience because we’re just as guilty.

I served in the Navy onboard a ship (destroyer tender, repair ship) during peace time and was never anywhere near combat, but even so, the teamwork and integrity learned in boot camp – basic training – was integral to operating successfully for a common purpose. Things can go wrong, even when all is well, if we do not work together. (Rom 12:4-5 Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.)

We were out to sea one time and I was on watch on the bridge in the middle of the night. There are probably 10-15 individuals on the bridge at all times, depending what is happening, to ensure every detail is covered in the guiding and direction of the ship. Suddenly there was an urgency that demanded everyone’s immediate and full attention. (1 Tim 4:16 Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.) Since it was the middle of the night, everyone was tired and could easily doze because things are generally pretty quiet at night. Unless you come upon a submarine in your direct path that does not have its radar on in order for others to detect it until they’re about to run it over. One must always be alert and work together in order to deflect possible danger. We missed the sub, fortunately, but if one person was out of alignment or more focused on their own discomfort, how tragic it could have turned out. We are ALWAYS a team; in all circumstances. The health and welfare of everyone else as a whole must be our first and foremost duty. Selflessness. Teamwork. Community.

I often wish that everyone in this country was required to serve at least two years. There are other countries that do this. How much more functional would our country be if we all learned how to serve one another above all else? Instead, we have a few who CHOOSE the life freely. Regardless of the circumstance, the choice was still made. Sacrifices were still made.

There is a brotherhood among service men and women that is stronger and more powerful than any other connection I’ve felt among peers. There are days I don’t feel worthy to be part of this brotherhood because some have sacrificed more than I could ever imagine. I served in peace. It was easy, relatively speaking. I’m honored to be among them, though. Humbled. Grateful that the peace I served under and the freedom I feel and know and experience is because of those who sacrificed sometimes everything.

Thank you, to my brothers and sisters who have served before me, with me, and after me, and all those to come. I am eternally indebted.

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope this letter finds you and your family well. I am writing to share with you an amazing opportunity that has been placed before me.

Many years ago a seed was planted in my heart for international missions with an image of little brown faces. For so many years I could not see how I would be able to participate in such a calling. Today, I have the opportunity to go, and see, and serve the little brown faces.

I’ve been chosen to serve on a short-term mission team to Ethiopia where we will be working with All God’s Children International, an international adoption and orphan care ministry.

When: February 5-14, 2010

Where: Hannah’s Hope Orphanage, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

Purpose: The first and foremost reason for going is to share the good news of Jesus Christ with the people of Ethiopia. We’ll be visiting Hannah’s Hope Orphanage where we will assist with the painting and preparations of their new orphanage as well as loving on the children who live there.

Cost: $2500 – 2800 per team member (Exact cost of airfare has not yet been determined, which explains the $300 variance). This covers accommodations, food, materials, and transportation. Each team member is responsible for raising 100% of their financial and prayer support. I need to turn in half my portion by Nov 25, 2009, and the remainder by Dec 28, 2009.

Prayer:
1. For God to open the hearts of the people.
2. For our team to work in unity and be God-centered.
3. That I will be open to whatever God wants to teach me.

I am so excited about this mission! Will you please prayerfully consider how the Lord would have you share in this opportunity with me, whether by prayer and/or financial sponsorship? Financial support is essential to my going, but of equal or greater importance is your commitment to pray!

I have begun a blog at (www.missionarymama.wordpress.com) that will be updated periodically before, during and after my trip to keep everyone informed. I am excited to share with each of you the strength and power each of your prayers and contributions have in reaching the least of these. (Matthew 25:40)

I’ve inserted a prayer card for you to attach to your refrigerator or other convenient location to help remind you to keep me, my team, and the people and children we will be serving in prayer.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

In His Service,

Nikki
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven. (Matthew 5:16)

—————————————————————————————————-
Short Term Mission Trip Support Coupon

YES! I want to be a part of Nikki Rose’s support team!
____I will pray regularly for her.
____I want to contribute $________ towards her trip expenses.

Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss ________________________________
Address__________________________________________
City_________________________ State_______Zip_______
Email_____________________________________________

Please make checks payable to: All God’s Children, 3308 NE Peerless Pl, Portland, OR 97232
(All gifts may be tax deductible. Please contact your tax accountant or go to www.irs.gov.publication.526)

Went to Roloff Farms this afternoon to pick out a punkin’ or two. Had a great time! Saw some little people. :o) They open up their farm to the public in October for punkin’ season. This weekend was the last weekend so wanted to make sure I got there early enough Friday to miss the rush.

The babe, with Amy Roloff. She was blowing up balloons for the kids. WITHOUT a helium machine. There were four kids standing in front of us and I watched her blow up four balloons…I was light headed just watching her!

We get little in the BIG chair! This was fun. It’s the little things really…or…big. things. heehee :o)

That was a very yummy sucker she got from Amy.

We’re on a tour of the farm. Zach is driving the tractor.

See?! Zach! :o)

Her very first pony ride! I was so proud of her! She did so good. :D

My sweet little hammy girl. :)~

Helping me pick out a punkin’.

I think I’m going to turn this into holiday cards this year. :o)

In 2002 a seed was planted in my heart about missions. Perhaps I’ve shared this before, but at the time, I didn’t think it could be possible. Who am *I* that I could do something so important as missions. I mean, my life was a disaster. It didn’t seem real, but it was real enough that I continued to think about it for years. Or more accurately, it was brought to my attention a lot over the years. It even came to mind when I got pregnant…that whatever that desire was to go there, would surely be shattered now. Last year my heart was re-inspired by a bulletin for a trip to Cambodia. I thought I was going to go, but plans didn’t manifest. But since that time the desire has grown and grown and whenever there is a missions focus or emphasis at church, I feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. Like, I’m really really supposed to go there. I don’t know where ‘there’ is. And I don’t know when. Or how. But I’ve had a vision of little brown faces. There’s a lot of world with little brown faces in need. Which ones will I get to show a little bit of Jesus love to? And when? And how? I just want to GO!

Lately, I’ve heard several times that when we have been given a calling, its often up to us to take the first step of faith and then the rest will be taken care of. So rather than waiting for the door to open or to hit me in my face, I’m going to step out – reach for it. Entertain opportunities. I checked into MercyShips which is an AMAZING ministry…a floating hospital…but my limitations are too large with being a single parent. I don’t think God sees limitations, though. If He wants me to be a missionary, He will make it so, regardless of what circumstance looks like. I think He likes to do that, actually…show people what He can accomplish outside of our little bitty brain and its understanding… He’s doing that now for me with finances. The numbers do not nor have they EVER added up since I became unemployed in January. Yet…the money is always there. I’ve not missed a payment on anything. Not even been late. I can’t explain it. It just is. And so I accept the blessing and praise God for taking such good care of us. I even got a vacation with His financing. Shouldn’t have been possible – single unemployed mama spending a week in Kauai? It happened. Really. And truly, by no effort of my own besides booking the airfare. Seriously…leaning on Him is so much easier than depending on my own ability to work things out. So when something doesn’t work out, I’m not disappointed because that particular thing was just not meant to be…and He has something so much greater than I could imagine in store. Where I would fit better, for Him.

So anyways, I think last week or two ago I applied for a job (of hundreds) that I just heard back from yesterday. I sent in my resume and am now awaiting further information, but it is for AGCI (All God’s Children International), a Christian International Adoption agency. This organization has orphanages in several countries that they draw their adopted children from. The gal that watches my darling when I’m working adopted their daughter from China, through this organization. I did not know that until yesterday. While I’ve applied for a tangible salaried position for this company in my area, they also offer missions trips to their orphanages. Ethiopia in Feb, China in April, Bulgaria in July…and that’s only the beginning. I was watching some videos they have on their website and I started crying…could this be? Could it be the entryway to the little brown faces in my heart? I was watching a video on Bulgarian children and all I could think about is how well we’d fit in there. Often times its more detrimental for Americans to serve in other countries, not only because we stand out like a sore thumb (White), but also because we don’t live the way they do. But one of the things that stood out is that my daughter has brown hair and brown eyes and has a darker complexion. She would fit in perfectly. And I have brown hair and blue eyes, which I saw several pictures of adults and children with such. Their skin colors are a bit more mixed there, which initially would make it easier to fit. I realize that love does not have a color, but it does make sense that missionaries should have some commonality with the culture in which they serve, even if it starts with outward appearance. All that being said, though…God can and will and does do anything He wants.

I’m not sure what is going to happen…either with the job or with missions. I’m awaiting my information packet to launch myself into the unknown. Perhaps I’m meant to assist in short term missions for a time and then later on become a full time missionary. I do believe full time missions will happen at some point. For now, I look forward to seeing if I’ll be able to go in February to Ethiopia. The application has to be submitted next week and the first half of the monies paid by Nov 25th. I have no idea how the money will come together, but again, if its meant to be, then the money will come. And time will not be a factor. So…I am anxious to report how this particular venture will manifest. :)

There are times in my life that my insides become so energized that I feel like I’m going to leap out of my skin. Its not necessarily a bad thing or feeling, but the thing that makes it feel bad is that I’m usually pretty contemplative and an observer and I become very very chatty. Overly exhuberent. My insides are bouncing off the walls. I suspect it is a hormonal thing, but as with everything, it causes my mind to also bounce off the walls. When this happens I always have to be careful to watch what my chatty self says because my self control goes by the wayside…or my filters do. Something. Not that I always say things that are out of character or rude or what-not. It just makes me very self-conscious. Like I need anything else to be self-conscious about. I’m trying to rid myself of SELF-consciousness and focus more on OTHERS-consciousness.

Anyways… I started typing the last paragraph this morning. I seem to have de-escalated a bit. I got to spend a few hours in the garage. I have no idea how in the world I have so much stuff. I’ve taken probably 6 loads to Good Will over the past year. Stuff keeps finding its way back in. Actually…to be fair and honest…baby stuff that is being outgrown is landing in there and it doesn’t seem like there’s any SMALL baby stuff. Highchair, stroller, swing, play toys, tub stuff, booster seat, etc, etc. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with it. Part of me doesn’t want to get rid of it. Cuz my baby is now a little girl. And because it meant so much to me, what I want to ask for a selling price is too much. So…for now it will sit in the garage. I am working on the whole sentimental value of THINGS being set aside. I can’t take any of this stuff with me. Its the memories that count. Oy.

I’m Facebook friends with a few single parents…really like to see how things are going in the world outside of blogging. :o) If you wanna be Facebook pals, lemme know. I find it easier most days to post a one sentence update there, but do plan to start getting back into the swing here. There’s lotsa pictures over there, though. ;o)

It seems like I had more to say today…apparently my brain has left the building. :o)

I’m feeling a bit rusty. ‘Hoping at some point soon it will be like riding a bike. I’ll just get back on and start peddlin’ like I did before. :) I’ve had a lot of great ideas and inspiration occur to me in the past few days, but because of my short term memory, they have escaped me. I’m sure they will return. Maybe. I’m so distracted. I don’t get much time to sit down and articulate anything. I was in Bend visiting the babe’s auntie for the past couple of days and I was able to sit down long enough to re-inspire my blogging energy and to write 100 and 100 more things about me. That’s a lot of talking about myself. Thinking about myself. But it was a good exercise. To recall random things that make me uniquely ME. Not any of the things are unique… but the combination of things.

It seems I’m REALLY out of touch because there are folks who’ve fallen off the blogroll. But I’m relieved to see that there are a whole lot more that have gotten caught up in life and have not posted much, either. Not that I think I’m an island and am the only one who gets lost in life… Its always nice to hear or know that others can relate, though. Which is interesting, really…why do I need validation? Why do I need to be told, in a sense, that whatever is happening is okay and that I have permission to be vacant for a while? I know its silly, but I get a little case of the guilties; like I’ve let people down. I always feel like I’m letting people down. I know this is a big fat lie, though. Its not real. We’re all swimming around in this crazy busy world, passing people by every minute, every moment, every day, every year. Not a single one of us can truly be consistent in everything they do, all the time. Why do I put this pressure on myself? Like I’m somehow responsible for the livlihood of others and my vacancy is creating a giant void for them. Crazy, really. Because that would mean that I’m somehow a whole lot more important that others…that my presence is somehow so imperative to anothers’ existence. The only instance this is real is in the life of my daughter. But other adults? I am conscientous of others’ around me. Probably too much…which is why I get the guilties. Where’s the happy medium?

Anyways…not sure where that tangent came from… :o) But I’m into the whole train of thought thing taking me wherever it wants to go.

I was having a stressed day a few days ago. You know when you go the the grocery store and it takes everything in you to just be able to push cart down the isle…eeeking out the only morsel of energy and logical thought to follow the grocery list. I get stressed because the sweetest of toddler voices chatters to me non-stop and she rarely takes a breath. I’m happy she does this. But some days I need her to pause so mommy can have a quiet moment. She’s not napping much lately so that is out of the question during the day. I just don’t want to talk or validate or affirm or respond sometimes. I’m tired of talking. Chattering. Repeating. And my patience becomes very thin. While in the store, the babe was chattering at me to look at this and check out that and could you pick up this and I barked a little bit louder than I had intended to, ‘PATIENCE!’ I can’t answer all of her questions and do everything she wants me to as quickly as she delivers the vocal tone. It didn’t take long for me to realize that she will not learn anything from my barking. I must exhibit patience in my behavior and she will learn. Lord have mercy…I need a whole lot more patience. It takes a lot of self-control to exhibit patience, when I’m really impatient. So I need a good helping of self-control, as well. But it is true. I cannot demand patience. So the past couple of days I’ve been trying to consciously exhibit patience. Not easy. Apparently I’m REALLY impatient because…I don’t really know how to exhibit it. So I sit down and let her know that whatever it is that she is asking will require that she be patient. And I say, ’see…mommy has to be patient, too’. Seems pretty elementary, but she says okay…and watches me intentely. Most of the time, the message that my daughter ‘gets’ is because I deliver it in the most simple form. I’ve tended to complicate matters by first, focusing so much on MYSELF and my comfort…and then trying to teach her out of my frustration. Rather than considering the simplest alternative. And then magically whatever impatience I might feel, actually is very minimal or it doesn’t exist at all. I’m not going to minimize parenting to a simple task complicated by selfish pursuits. Its different for everyone. But I’m learning this is the method that seems to work best for my sweet little bitty. ‘Course now that I’ve verbalized it, everything will change. ;)