[If this post sounds familiar, please read through to the end]
As I’m driving down the road I see the wreckage of an accident on the other side of the median. The temptation to look back is overwhelming; I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s such a natural instinct to want to gaze; to see all the details of what has occurred. I know logically how dangerous it is to look, particularly since I’m driving in traffic and should keep my eyes forward and on where I’m going so I don’t cause another accident. It’s such a distraction, though…I want to see it! I take a quick peek, but will myself to turn my head back around. I say a little prayer for those involved and hope everyone is ok.
Wreckage is an unfortunate but often times necessary occurrence in this life. When the wreckage happens to us, after the initial shock wears off and the reality of what has happened starts to settle in, its hard not to spin out about what happened and what could have been done differently and if there are others involved how things could have been different with them. Other painful things may be triggered and not only is there wreckage on the outside, but on the inside as well, as the details of life lament and swirl out of control inside the head and heart. There are a thousand factors to consider for every situation or circumstance and it is impossible to understand or figure them all out. So why do I try? Why do I torment myself relentlessly about all the perceived failings that have led up to this particular wreck?
I remember last year, the day before Thanksgiving, I was driving down the road, with the flow of traffic and I looked back at my sweet little girl for a split second. That’s all it takes is a split second… My truck was totalled after I slammed into the truck in front of me (and they subsequently ran into others, four cars deep). This could have been more devastating…more than just my truck could have been totalled. My life. My daughter’s life. The life of others. It’s what happens when we look back.
I’ve been submerged and wallowing in the details of the wreckage of my heart. There’s nothing like the sound of metal slamming into metal and it keeps playing over and over and over. And the tears, they continue to come in wave after wave after wave, like the overwhelming rhythm of the ocean after a storm. I pray relentlessly for it to stop; for relief. With each wave, the tears bring into remembrance all the things that once were, that now won’t be. We’ve come so far and learned so much! It can’t possibly all be for naught! The hurts and disappointments appear from the beginning of time; resentment and bitterness even back to my youth when I didn’t feel loved or nurtured enough. That’s the reason I hurt so bad right now…I’m starving for love. And like taking food from a starving baby, the panick and torment is more than I can bear. The pain of past abandonment and rejection and just never being enough comes crashing in. The seething bitterness and loathing of former betrayals when another woman entered the picture and has her way with the one who shared so much with ME… The lies beat down in the waves that I’m not enough; I’ve never been worth the fight. I’ve never been enough to fight for.
My heart screams, FIGHT FOR ME!
KEEP ME!
LOVE ME!
And deep into the restless night I hear a whisper in my soul…I AM fighting for you…I will ALWAYS keep you, never forsake you…I Love you, with an everlasting Love.
As I take in a deep, broken breath, He wraps His arm around me and I find comfort for just a moment. I have plans for you…
Remember Lot’s wife…
I let it sink in a bit…she turned into a pillar of salt. It wasn’t enough for me to just mull that over, though. I looked it up and asked God to show me what it is I needed to see/hear/know.
God sent her and her husband away from the wreckage that was about to take place in the city. He saved her from devastation. But she did not trust Him enough to just keep her eyes forward, to where He was taking her. There was a reason for all that was, but all that has now passed. Its time to move on; forward. But she looked back, and was paralyzed into a pillar of salt…never to make progress again.
Remember Lot’s wife…don’t look back anymore. Don’t let the pain of the past paralyze you any longer. You have already been saved from where you came from. It’s not necessary to hash and re-hash and lament what once was.
Trust me…
…
Trust me…
…
Trust… ME
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I originally posted this in January, but am posting it again because I’m taking a giant leap and risk…I’m putting my heart out on the line…for the glory of God to be revealed. Deep down in the recesses of my soul, is a writer waiting to be born. My words were stifled for many many years and I’ve been practicing writing from my heart through my blog to reconnect to words that set me free. I believe He’s asking me to trust Him…and share my heart with a broader audience.
There’s a conference being held in Concord, North Carolina, July 22-24th that has gripped my heart and soul and it won’t let go. This post will be my submission for a scholarship to attend.
The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God. It is my heart to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.
If you have a heart for women and long to connect with them with a message God has placed deep within your heart whether by writing, speaking, leading or influencing, I encourage you to click on the image to the left and consider joining, as well.
Would you hold me in your prayers as I take this leap of faith?
For I am full of words, and the spirit within me compels me. Job 32:18
![CRW_7536[lux]](http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5012/5399468936_3e82951e01_t.jpg "CRW_7536[lux]")
![CRW_7509[lux]](http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5258/5399465254_8acdf9f426_t.jpg "CRW_7509[lux]")
You are a great writer. God sees your heart!!
Thank you! :)
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This is a great article; I think it reflects all our hearts on one level or another. God has given you a gift and I look forward to reading your first book. Till then, your submission and the scholarship for the conference will be in my prayers.
Thanks Brad! :)
I did the same thing, just last summer. I applied for a scholarship to the Highlights Foundation Children’s Literature Conference at Chautauqua, New York. As a mother of three and a stay at home mom of over eleven years, doing this was an incredible leap of faith. Daunting voices saying, “You’re not good enough,” echoed in my mind. I followed the quieter still voice that reminded me that I am His.
I am delighted to say that I won that scholarship, and although my father passed away very unexpectedly three weeks beforehand, I went and had an amazing time. In the fog of my grief, there was great peace, and enjoyment.
I can see that you trust your Heavenly Father. I will be praying that you receive that scholarship. But not only that you’d receive the scholarship, but that the trip itself will alter your life, and that you’ll see the plans that he has for you in an even greater way.
Blessings!
This so touches my heart! Thank you so much for sharing and offering your encouragement and prayers. It means so very much to hear this victory for you! And I love this:
“I followed the quieter still voice that reminded me that I am His.”
Ah…Yes…to know that I am His…and He works all things for His Glory. :)
Thank you again!
You’re so welcome…I’m looking forward to following your progress.
[...] understatement. I’m jumping out of my skin with glee! :) Back in March, I submitted a blog post to be considered for a scholarship to attend a women’s writing/speaking/leadership conference. [...]