There’s Nothing Left to Justify

There’s a saying that goes something like this… We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I’ve finally come to a space that I’m in complete understanding of this concept. The clarity comes from having observed a relationship through many seasons of life. Five years worth of seasons. It’s interesting to me that individuals can be together/dating for years and years and then get married and then get divorced shortly therafter. I can understand why now. After years of evaluating and justifying and trying to make all the pieces fit, they may eventually just say, hey…we’ve gone through a lot, been through a lot together, know everything about the other person, etc, etc…why don’t we just make this thing official and go with it! We can make it work. If our friendship could withstand the turmoils of life thus far, and we keep coming back to one another, why not? What more could happen inside of a marriage that didn’t happen while we were contemplating all those years?

With a great deal of committment and some seriously hard work, I think that two people in a scenario such as this could make it work. However, I believe that while all relationships need work, and sometimes really hard work, if it is RIGHT, it shouldn’t be that hard. It shouldn’t be a job or a chore or strenuous ALL THE TIME. There’s a natural flow and understanding that takes place when two people are RIGHT for each other.

There’s a depth to we humans that not everybody has tapped fully into; the spiritual depth. If our spirits are not in alignment, it doesn’t matter if everything else on the outside looks pretty and workable. The spirit will soon become heavy laden and it starts manifesting itself in alternate stressors and symptoms and one or the other or both parties start becoming unhappy and want to eject. It’s the whole point of being equally yoked. We must be equally yoked with spiritually like-minded individuals. If we are not, it is a recipe for disaster. If our spirits are not in alignment, we look for the other individual to fill our needs and when their spirit is not on board, well…we just can’t make that happen. It has to be inside them already. If its not, it only invites bitterness and resentment because they are not who we desperately need them to be. And its okay that we NEED another. We are built for relationship. It is in us to have a very intimate closeness with another. But if the spiritual yoke is out of alignment, true heart to heart intimacy cannot be mastered because our heart is where our spirit resides. We can try to fake it for a while, but then we just hit a wall and can’t do it any more. We try to push through the discomfort, thinking it is our fears and insecurities that is keeping us from wanting to commit or from feeling closer to the other individual; as close as we desire to anyway. I’d submit that very VERY few are able to experience the true and absolute heart to heart intimate closeness that we were intended for because so few are willing to wait for that. We try to talk ourselves into this and out of that; all the while not LISTENING to the things that are probing our spirits, usually right out of the chute.

There may be absolutely nothing WRONG with the individual that we’ve been contemplating. It has occured to me that perhaps this journey I’ve personally been on was meant to teach me exactly this…that I am capable of having a relationship with someone…I am worthy of it. A long term one, even. But what has been missing is the deep intimate soul connection that is necessary in order for a proper foundation to be built. My foundation is built on the Rock (Luke 6:48 He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.); built on faith in Jesus. This is my spirituality. This is who I am. It doesn’t matter if someone is a Christian; that he/she goes to church. If they are not walking IN Christ, if faith in Christ is not the core of their existence, how can there be any strength in a structure that is not built with the same materials? If one side of the house is built with the strength of God, who is all knowing, who meticulously pieced together the entire universe, and the other side was built on whatever substance that man could conjur up in his own strength, with limited knowledge and understanding…I’m thinking there’d be a bit of a tilted house. At some point, one side might just slide off. Fall into itself.

I’ve struggled for years and years with feelings toward men. I experience crazy intense feelings. I’m sure others do, as well, but it has perplexed me beyond measure that I could feel that way about so many, yet not a single one of them was the one for me. I’ve tried to unravel all that for a very long time. Its recently occurred to me that every one of these individuals has a quality or characteristic that my heart yearns for. The other day I wrote down the qualities I most admired in the men I have had heart strings for. And realized that perhaps God was showing me what these characteristics look like. It didn’t mean that each of these men were the one for me, but they each taught me a little piece about myself. This quality or that characteristic are what makes my heart SING! :O) What if, God has a man for me that IS each of these qualities/characteristics?! Wouldn’t that be something?! What if I decided to just stop trying so hard and give it all to God. Since He knows everything anyway…why in the world do I try so hard to make all these square pegs fit into a round hole? I cannot justify them into my life. No matter how many hundreds of ways there are to look at something. My spirit will not respond favorably if its not the right setup.

And you know…it doesn’t really matter what we THINK it is that we want. Because God knows so much BETTER, not just what we want, but what we NEED! A friend asked me the other day if I was willing to give up the thing that I fought so hard for, for so long. Admittedly, it sent me reeling. Because what if?! What if it is my fears and insecurities keeping me from throwing myself in. The truth is, there are no more what ifs. God has shown me in so many crazy ways that I have CHOSEN not to listen to, that while a particular man is REALLY REALLY important in my life, that he is NOT the ONE that He has intended for me. That’s the thing about walking in the Spirit. You do KNOW when you’re being spoken to. It’s a ‘knowing’ that can’t be explained. It’s not a legalistic religious guideline that I feel I must follow. No. God speaks to my heart and soul in a mulititude of ways. He does to each of us. Its our choice whether or not to hear Him.

So…I’ve finally come to the realization that there is, cannot be, and will be no more justfication for this relationship. We are just not intended for one another. Maybe…way way down the line somewhere…God has a trick up His sleeve and will take him through a refining process and bring him back to me. But…God’s work is not our business. We cannot sit around and wait to supervise to ensure that He is doing everything properly. No. He does things the way He does things in the time, way and fashion that He determins. He gives us just enough information to know certain things and we are to be obedient to that. If not, it is our choice to live with the consequences of our choices, contrary to His direction. He gives us the will to choose. Everything is permissible. But if we are walking outside of the guidance that He has given us, He cannot bless it. It will become difficult.

So…with all that being said, its very difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that we cannot be together because of spiritual indifference. I’ve always had a very tangible reason that the guys who I was with did not work out. I usually took on the responsibility of it, myself, due to a mountain of other reasons, but the point is…scaling the wall between my will and His…is not a course for sissies. Feels much like I’m swimming upstream. But its what faith is for and is about. (Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.) I’ve learned enough about it to know that even though it is very difficult groping around blindly, I’d rather be groping blindly with a guide, who knows His way around the universe, than by my own instincts, which are seriously faulty and misguided at best.