It started somewhere around 2002…this pressing in my heart about Missions. Gospel for Asia was at the church that I attended for a Missions focus weekend. I picked up a book that was to sit in my book collection, unopened, until about a month ago. I can’t believe I still had the book. More surprising than the book that I picked up was the pressing in my heart and compassion I suddenly felt for Missions so many years ago. I wondered what THAT was all about and how in the world would *I* be able to do such a thing as Missions. Hmph. I was a broken girl. Worthless. Useless. But okay, I’ll tuck that little whatever in my heart away as I had learned to do with so many other things in my world at that time. (I lived in TX for five very long years. EVERYTHING I touched crumbled. Perhaps I’ll speak more about that later.This was nearing around the end of my time there.)
I don’t claim having received Jesus into my life until November 2004, but I think He was there before (A neighbor of mine gave me the sinner’s prayer to say outloud in the privacy of my room when I was 11 years old. I think I got Him then, but LIFE kinda snuffed Him out. Hindsight reveals His presence more clearly now, all along). I just didn’t know it. Now, it would explain how I had the dream planted into my core back in 2002 when I didn’t think I was worthy of such an honorable thing. HE believes I’m worthy. I know now that He doesn’t call the equipped, but He equips the called.
Over the years, there were several reminders of Missions but my life was so far off the mark that I considered it a crazy pipe dream. I just didn’t get it. But He kept reminding me for some reason; whispering it into my ear. When I see pictures whether on TV, magazines, books, and sometimes in daydreams, of little brown faces…I’m taken back to the core again of the desire to go there.
When I got pregnant out of wedlock, after I felt I was ‘officially’ saved, I thought for sure there’d REALLY be no chance for me to go. They don’t send people to do God’s work who wear a giant scarlet letter. The thing is…people don’t send people to do God’s work…GOD sends people to do His work. It doesn’t LOOK possible that I, a single mother, could be a missionary. It’s a little contradictory to the picturesque Christian lifestyle. However…Jesus did not mingle with all the perfect people. Did you know that Rahab was a prostitute and He still used Her for His glory? This inspires me. That is Grace. There is not one perfect person in the entire Bible, with the exception of Jesus, that the Lord did not use for His glory.
Anyways…it doesn’t look like I could be a Missionary from a wordly perspective. BUT…I know what I know and I trust what I know. He doesn’t whisper to our hearts for no reason. Sometimes it just takes time for the dream to manifest. You know the owners of 5 Rock Ranch had the dream for 28 years before it came to fruition? And what a dream it is…far exceeding any expectation they had of it. I would find it sheer joy, if the whispers of my heart came to fruition in less than ten years. It would be eight years if I’m able to go on this next trip… but first…
Last year around this time, a flyer was inserted into our bulletin at church about a Medical Missions trip to Cambodia. The doors of my heart flew wide open! It was the first time in so many years that I felt like I was going. Like I was already there. Immediately, I knew there was something about Cambodia. This was it! It had to be it! The feeling of elation was nothing I could hide or stuff down. I was a happy camper! However, as time passed, circumstances and the doors of my heart started to close a bit. At first I didn’t want to believe it. It kinda made me feel like perhaps I was a little loco…I am just an excitable person and I get bouncy very easily. Maybe I was just excited to see the bulletin and it really didn’t have anything to do with me. That what I heard wasn’t really true. Because we can conjur up our own stories and make certain realities real…if we try hard enough. I’ve done that enough in my life to know full well my ability to press on things only to have them explode inside my hand or in my face. But in no time, I was given a peace that it is real…just not this trip. Perhaps the next trip.
The next trip is upon us. January 8-17, 2010. Seems like a long ways off, but there’s a lot to be prepared between now and then. I felt a whisper in my spirit this morning before service about the trip, before I even opened my bulletin. YES! There it was. Could this trip be the one? I won’t get so excitable about it this time until confirmations start arriving and funding begins to manifest. If it is truly His will, it will all happen in an orderly yet miraculous way.
Why would I get so excited about a short term Missions trip? Well, you see…I believe a short term trip will only be the beginning. I have a heart to BE a Missionary. Living off the grid with the least of these. There are little nuggets that I feel God has planted in my spirit along the way that point in that direction. However…I will be sure to wait on His timing. I also feel that my daughter will be in Missions work. I could have to wait until she’s older and I join her for the journey. Who knows. But for now, the anticipation for what is to possibly come is exciting.
A letter will follow shortly that has more information about the trip and my possible involvement.
WOW! WOW! I am so glad i read your blog. I was saved in 2004 and after I was saved I had a child out of wedlock! I thought I was the only one in the world : ) ! !
God works all the details out of us!
I’ll start praying for your missions trip now!
I hope you are able to go. It will change your life. Seems God often uses people like us to make a change in someone else and at the same time uses them to make a change in us. I’ll join you in prayer about this.