Somewhere along life’s journey, I lost my voice

Not the laryngitis variety.

There’s a little bitty girl inside of me that feels about 5 or 6 years old. A while back I talked about the broken part of me…the part that is completely contrary to the ‘wisdom’ side of me. That when the broken part appears, I feel all kinds of yuck. Stupid. Insignificant. Afraid. REALLY afraid. Worthless. Alone. Vulnerable. I’ve been able to articulate a bit more what these feelings are; to feel them, really.

To back up just a teensie bit, it’s interesting that the things we scream for and fervently seek after are prayer to God’s ears even if not worded as a prayer, specifically. And prayers are always answered. Because it wasn’t long after I posted that blog that I found her. I was searching for the lost inner girl and in one of my long sessions at the ranch (only a three hour one that time), I found her. A prayer was answered. Yes, she is part of me. She IS me. She’s not set aside or apart from me. She’s just been hiding. Stifled. Suppressed. Stuffed into a box only to be found 30 years after she was lost.

I don’t know what happened when she was 5 or 6. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I don’t know why she is there. (At some point I’ll stop talking about her in third person) The details are irrelevant now. What is relevant now is how to bring her back to life. One of the giant boulders that was moved during my last five hour session is that I lost my voice. She is barely able to speak. When she speaks, she ALWAYS cries. And it is a very deep and painful place that I don’t understand. But as time passes, I will grow to know and understand her better. When I’m talking and I am able to tap into her, even if only for a moment, I feel myself switch back and forth. She peeks out, but I stuff her back in. Protection. In a very real sense, I suddenly understand with full comprehension the life of multi-personalitied individuals. I’m not saying I have a multiple personality. But I understand how the defense mechanism of shock can suppress a part of who we are into complete withdrawal. It’s an interesting place to be. I don’t feel it necessary to do a bunch of research into multiple personalities or anything like that. I came from pain. That’s all the information I need to know. And childhood pain does a great deal of protective maneuvering in order to survive. It’s amazing to me how our spirits can still live and come to thrive even in the midst of extreme turmoil. A total miracle, if you ask me. The determination of our spirits to LIVE…to keep living even in spite of difficult circumstance. Amazing.

Anyway…One of the things I’ve discovered in finding her and realizing that she can hardly speak, is that she was shut up. She was not heard. Her thoughts/feelings/opinions and heart did not matter. They were irrelevant. To this day, I do not feel as though I can speak out anything that matters to me deeply. The voice is there inside my heart, but she cannot speak. She is mute. Oh, I can chatter endlessly sometimes and I’m a bit wordy when I’m typing and I really have a lot to say. It seems a bit contrary to what I’m talking about. But I learned how to chatter AROUND subjects and the things that are important to me. I convince myself and others that I’m not hurt. That it doesn’t matter. That I need to compromise. That its all okay. This is just the way life is. I’ve intellectualized and compartmentalized my life in such a way that hurts get packaged up and stored deep within, never to be opened up and looked at. Out of sight, out of mind. I don’t need to bother anybody with my high maintenance needs. I don’t want to nag or bother anyone. Its okay. I’ll just step back into the shadows.

I’ve also realized that during that time of childhood, if I did have a feeling, that it caused harm to others. I had to bear the burden of responsibility for others’ pain. I’m a very empathetic person. I feel their pain. But in feeling a lot of others’ pain, I don’t allow myself to feel my own. Empathy is good. It is important. But empathy by guilt is not. When I have to make difficult decisions that involve another, it pretty much sends me over the edge. It is a crisis of oober proportions every time. I’m so concerned about killing them (not really, but that’s what it feels like) that I am consumed with guilt and worthlessness that I can’t stand it. Then I run away. Because if I run away, then I don’t have to see them. Or hear them. Or acknowledge the fact that I hurt them. Its all my fault. I’m a horrible person. Looking at it from the outside in now…that really stinks. The heaviness of that is unbearable.

This guilt of bothering others expands to every aspect of my life. So much so that I’ve become isolated. I have a couple of friends. I hold everyone at arms length. Because if I hold them any closer, then I will hurt them. I used to think it was abandonment, but now that I’m hashing it out with words, I realize that its not about being left…but about being responsible for someone else’s livlihood and feelings. I think I’d rather be abandoned. Well…I suppose placing responsibility this heavy on a child is or would be considered abandonment…because its abandoning the carefree innocence, wonder and curiosity that should thrive when we are young.

Because of the guilt, though, I don’t ask for anything. I go with the flow about everything. Ebbing and flowing with the waves of life as they are handed to me. I’ve given up on dreams because everything I pursue gets smashed. I have one dream now that I believe in…but secretly I have my doubts about it ever coming to fruition because its too much of a bother for God to allow me that dream. That dream is missions. Oh, I also have the dream of being married again someday, but that’s really secondary. I want to be a missionary. I want to be used for the purpose and glory of God. But who am I to do something so big and important? Who am I but this little bitty girl who is curled up into the fetal position, so scared to speak her heart? How can I speak the heart of God, if my heart is locked in chains?

I recognize the work that must be done for her to come out. Somehow, I’ve always had a seeking heart…I’m not afraid of doing the hard stuff. I’m not afraid of doing anything in this world. I just need to understand certain things before I can press forward. I used to operate out of sheer ignorance and I learned quickly by the skool of hard knocks what works and what doesn’t. I think I’m done with the hard knocks, but now it is seeking out the innermost places that hold my greatest treasures. Treasure Hunting. :O) This is good.

Yesterday I gave it a whirl for the first time. Exercising what it is that I need to do, and that is learning how to speak. One of my best girlfriends and I had lunch together yesterday. I was sharing with her my latest discovery and that I hold her and everyone at arms length. But that there was something from long ago that did bother me with her and I wanted to share with her about it. I stuttered and stammerd and eventually got out the thing that was bothering me. It was simple. Trivial. I didn’t cry because it was not a fresh circumstance, but it was painful all the same. I was able to communicate it but not without trying to justify myself out of my feeling. I felt horrible. Awful. Frustrating! And maddening that I was so suppressed for so long! This is not going to be an easy job! But necessary. I will NEVER be able to have a successfully FULLfilling relationship with anyone if I’m not able to open up my heart and allow them in, and a little bit of me, out. All the stuff I learned so long ago was a huge LIE! I AM worth hearing! My feelings DO matter! I DO have a right to voice my thoughts/opinions/concerns that are relevant to my heart. So the fighting and knashing of breaking free of the old way of understanding is not going to be an easy process. But I can see it now! And that is so amazing. Freedom will come. And strength will rise.