As I’m browsing the Single Mama Blogs tonight, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by a few things.
First, I’m so secretly (‘reckon it’s not a secret now…) envious and jealous of the good friendship between Ms. Single Mama and Modern Single Mama. I’m so very happy that they are closer together now, but sad that I didn’t get to meet Modern Single Mama before she was whisked off to Kentucky. :O) She was the first local single mama that I’ve heard or known about who could relate to my single mama story (single since pregnancy – vacant babydaddy). We were in the midst of an Arctic Blast and then I’m sure the excitement and planning for her departure kept the connection from happening. I’m surrounded by a lot of amazing and dear friends who have been with us since day one, but I don’t have many single mama friends, particularly with little bitty tots, aside from my newly acquired blog friends, to sit over coffee and gab about the single mom life. Those conversations are all had via speed typing. So…again…admittedly a bit envious of some girlfriend time chatting over two footers. A playdate sure would be nice. With anyone. Anyone wanna bring your tot to Portland for a playdate and single mama gab session? :O)
As I was reading through The First Day of My Life’s blog, it occurs to me how clueless I am about how co-mingling families is going to be. First, I’ve never had a man in our life for even a minute, to start the process of this ‘family’ that was created. It took me a good long while to process through that when I first had her. I was a bit of an emotional train wreck at that point because I wanted the babydaddy to WANT to be a part of her life. I wanted so desperately to share all the fun stuff (and the hard stuff and everything in between, too) with someone. It would make sense if that person was the babydaddy, but…he just wasn’t interested. Another story – another blog post.
So, I’ve been a solo mama from the get-go, which creates a whole new set of emotions that I’m sure will come up. Like…how am I going to share her? When she’s been ALL MINE…how do I consider sharing responsibility with her? I had a very short dating rendezvous in the Spring of last year and I did have a little bitty taste of what it would feel like, then. It was uncomfortable. He didn’t have kids, though, and I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it. I have some guy friends that do have children and when I see them all together, it does feel a whole lot better about my ‘sharing’. But I reckon I really won’t know until I’m eyeball deep into a relationship and am contemplating joining worlds. There will have to be adjustments, I’m sure.
And then the insecurities kick in… I want her to have a daddy. You know what would make all of this feel really good? A whole lot better? If the babydaddy would let go of his responsibility and allowed me to adopt her to a man who would want her. It sure would make things simpler. Perhaps simpler for ME. Is this selfish of me? I want someone to WANT HER, so much that she would never know that her biological dad was ever missing. The babydaddy will not do that, though. Its more of a pride thing for him, than a real wanting of her. Again…another story, another time.
I so wish I had a video camera to capture my little sunshine doing what she does. I love all the videos of kids doing what they do…and my baby sunshine is singing her ABC’s and I don’t have a way to capture it but in my memory…which fails me often. I’ve already forgotten so much. It makes me sad sometimes. And now that I’m unemployed and have no extra cash…unless someone gifts it to us, it will be quite some time before I get my hands on the luxury of a recording device. I wonder how families in the ‘olden days’ felt about capturing their children’s fun stuff. Did it never occur to them because the technology wasn’t available? Or did they secretly wish they could have something to bottle up the goodies?
Single Mom Seeking is discussing purging. I’ve been purging my garage for quite some time. It’s a slow process, but it occurred to me that I’m a collector of ‘stuff’ because of the emotional value or perceived monetary value. I grew up with nothing, so haveing ‘stuff’ makes me feel like I’ve really gotten somewhere. But where have I really gone if all my ‘stuff’ is in the garage? And I don’t look at it? And it just collects dust?
Anyway, it’s been an emotional exercise for me. I’ve had to do it slowly. Probably the hardest thing for me to get rid of is my babies little bitty clothes. I was saving them for my cousin, but I think she’s going to keep poppin’ out boys. A friend/acquaintance from church had a baby girl in December and I was happy to have someone I could bless with them. I’d contemplated giving them to consignment, but decided that paying forward all the giftings of my life feels a whole lot better than whatever monetary return I could receive.
When I pulled them all out of the garage and started going through them, I was flooded with emotion. She was not tiny for very long. She’s a big girl TWO now and whatever ‘baby’ was there, has been gone for quite some time. Her first year was a very emotional and turbulent time for me. I’m very sad that I have to recall the devastation in the middle of my miracle, rather than all abounding joy. I feel like I got robbed sometimes. She’s the most amazing and best thing that has ever happened to me. But I will always recall how hurtful certain events were when I was pregnant and she was tiny. I suppose letting go of the clothes that bring me back to that time is a good thing. I don’t need to keep the clothes to hold onto the sweet little baby that she was. I have pictures for that. And pictures bring me joy. Always.